"And then it appeared out of nowhere." - Molly and Him by Dikie Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Episode 104 JADEITE'S JUNKYARD JOBBER: "Whimsical Sailor Street" by Omega DISCLAIMER FOR THE MASSES: All characters appearing in the fic within belong to Takeuchi Naoko. Ranma characters belong to Takahashi Rumiko. I make no claim on them. The fic belongs to Omega, and he's more than welcome to it. I found it funny, but I wouldn't have written it. This MSTing is rated PG-13. I own Tuxedo Jack. To use him, ask me. Anyway, I am making no money from this fic; I wish I could, because I need a PCMCIA Type II or III card for my palmtop. Don't sue me; I have no money and I am a master of law-fu. *Snicker* Apparently, Tuxedo Alex says that I took the TTPOTS idea from him, and I apologize for that. I merely piggybacked off it and improved it. Again, sorry Alex. I mean no offense. So, let's let Cloverway get on with its dubbing, and I'll get on with my dubbing! Here we go! ******************************************************* In the not-too-distant future, Somewhere deep in hell, I think, The generals and Queen Beryl are Hatching plans that really stink! They caught a bishounen named Tuxedo Jack, Just an average guy who always wears black Their evil plans needed a good test case, So they whacked him on the head and then They shot him into space! (Tuxedo Jack: YOU IDIOTS!!!) (Jadeite) We'll send him lots of fanfics, (Nephrite) The most there can possibly be, (la-la-la) (Zoisite) He'll have to sit and read them all (Malachite) And keep his GPA above three (la-la-la) (Beryl) Poor Tuxy Boy, he can't control When the fanfics begin or end, (la-la-la) He'll lose his relative sanity Along with the Senshi I caught with him! SENSHI ROLL CALL! Setsuna! (Don't make me smack you, Jack.) Hotaru! (Get me down!) Teenage Rini! (Pink Sugar Heart Attack!) Amy! (E equals MC... doh, let me get my notepad.) If you're wondering how they eat and sleep, And other science facts, (la-la-la) Just repeat to yourself, "Ask Amy later, Now I need to sit back and relax!" For Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000! (Twang) ******************************************************** (Fade in to the lounge of the Satellite of Senshi. All five members of the crew sit there, each holding a drink. Setsuna is talking to Hotaru and Rini. Jack and Amy are sitting by a small terminal typing in instructions.) RINI: Really? That's what you've been doing in the Holodeck this whole time? SETSUNA: Yes. HOTARU: And Rini over there thought that it was Brad Pitt. SETSUNA: *groan* Now remember, it's right after Beryl's little experiment. You both have formal dresses? HOTARU: Yep! Fresh out of the replicator. SETSUNA: I think that this'll be fun for you two. JACK: *looks up* I see you've filled them in? SETSUNA: *Walks over* Yes, and they love the idea. Has Beryl called yet? AMY: Nope, not yet. She'll call in a few more minutes, though. JACK: Yeah. *Falls silent for a second* You know, it's not so bad up on this satellite after all. I mean, we've got great technology, we're good friends, and we can do whatever for a week before the experiment. This isn't so bad. AMY: Whatever you do, don't tell her. *Points at the flashing button* The queen ant is calling. SETSUNA: Too bad we don't have any Raid. *Smirks and hits the button* (NegaCave) BERYL: Good morning, my little card tables! (SOS) SETSUNA: Card tables? (NegaCave) BERYL: Well, you're all flat and hard... (SOS) (The four girls get rapidly pissed and attack the hexfield. Rini keeps screaming, "I'm not flat! I'M NOT FLAT!!!" Jack sighs.) JACK: So what bastard of a brainchild are we watching today, beeyatch? (NegaCave) BERYL: I found something so twisted that you'll surely die! And we're letting Serenity watch the fun ths time. Just a little added incentive. (SOS) JACK: Oh, yeah. You mentioned something about new guests? (NegaCave) BERYL: Yes, I did! Nephrite, let's show our friends up on the Satellite who our mystery guests are! NEPHRITE: Yes, ma'am! (Camera pans to reveal four figures, trussed up and gagged.) (SOS) (The four girls stop attacking the screen and stare in horror.) JACK: What? Four? You said two! SETSUNA: That can't be... RINI: Not him... AMY: How could you... HOTARU: Not HER! *Hotaru, Rini, and Amy flee fhe room in horror* (NegaCave) BERYL: Yeah, but these other two got on my nerves too. So meet your new travel companions! Molly Baker, Melvin Umino, Ranma Saotome, and Kodachi Kuno! Send 'em on up, Nephrite, and the fic with them! NEPHRITE: *pushes the button and sends the four up with the fic* (SOS) MOLLY: What's going on here? What is this place? MELVIN: It's some kind of satellite, dear. We might even be on the famed Satellite of Love! KODACHI: Ranma? Where's my Ranma? *Brandishes a whip* RANMA: Oh, man... I must have had some of Akane's cooking again... (MSTer's notes: For the sake of my sanity, Ranma will remain male for the duration of this MSTing. I hope.) KODACHI: Ranma-sama! *Dashes at Ranma, who lets out a squeak and runs like hell* JACK: What are we gonna do? They can't take this! SETSUNA: Well, we can't help them out because we've GOT FANFIC SIIIIIIIGN!!!!!!!!!!! *Klaxons and lights blare and flash* (Door Sequence) Door 6: Standard-issue satellite dogbone door. Door 5: A giant ice cube. It melts and you move on. Door 4: It's Serena's second American seiyuu. You tie her up and gag her and then continue. Door 3: A drawbridge. It falls on Jack, but bounces back, letting him up. Setsuna and Molly drag him onwards. Door 2: A McDonald's playland. You slide down the slides to get to the next door. Door 1: A giant cuckoo clock. You wait until the birdie comes out then slip past. (Theater. Today's cast of riffers from left to right: Jack, Molly, Melvin, Ranma, and Setsuna.) SETSUNA: Where's Kodachi? She's not here. JACK: Ah, she must have slipped off somewhere along the way. (To the new arrivals) Welcome to hell, everybody. Beryl's making us watch bad fanfics. Today's got to be bad or she wouldn't have sent you all up here. MOLLY: So what do we do? Just sit here and watch the fic? MELVIN: I think that the most judicious course of action is to riff the story. RANMA: Fine by me. Let's get going. JACK: (To Setsuna) Wanna place bets on how long they last? SETSUNA: (To Jack) Ten bucks says Molly quits by the end of the fic. JACK: (To Setsuna) You're on. >From: omega@torfree.net (Keith Dawe) >Subject: [SM][Fanfic] Whimsical Sailor Street ALL: (Singing) On our way to where the air is clean... can you tell me how to get, how to get to Sailor Street. JACK: See? You're getting it! >Whimsical Sailor Street > By Omega RANMA: So this is a Sailor Moon/X-Men crossover? SETSUNA: But then that'd be Omega _Red_. MELVIN: Tsuki ni kawatte... SPOON, BUB! JACK: That's been done. MELVIN: Dang. >Episode title: Waaaaay Too Many Girlfriends. JACK: Wow. So this is a Ranma story? RANMA: Shut up. > CAST MOLLY: Full body or arm? > The Roommates: >DARIEN - Stud who always gets into hot water. SETSUNA AND JACK: *burst out laughing* SETSUNA: Dar.. Darien a stud? BWA, hahahahahahaha.... JACK: Yeah... yeah, right... hee hee hee... >NEPHLYTE - believes he was destined for better things. >KUNO - overspeaking Kendo trainer. JACK: Boy, I was right. A Ranma/Sailor Moon crossover fic. MOLLY: Where does she find this crap? JACK: Blame the University of California. They're the biggest fanfic archive on the net. RANMA: Soon as I get out of here, they're toast. > The Girls: >LITA - Tough girl, crude: says the 'f' word. SETSUNA: Tough, yes; swears, no. >RAYE - sweet & virginal, but sadistic streak. Posessive. JACK: Raye is indeed the latter, but not the former. MOLLY: I was at the temple one day and went into her bathroom closet to look for a hand towel. MELVIN: And what did it have in it? MOLLY: A box full of leather and whips. JACK: Why am I not surprised? >MINA - Art-fag type. Obstentatious and very social. Paints a lot. MELVIN: Mina would have my head if I ever told her about this. SETSUNA: Don't worry. You probably never will. >SERENA - outrageous Canadian accent. Nice girl, but a bit slow. RANMA: Canadian accent? That girl's voice sounds like pure valley. JACK: Mixed with just a dash of idiot. SERENITY'S VOICE: BAKA! SHUT UP! >AMY - Smart and studious. A lush. AMY'S VOICE: Smart, yes; studious, yes; lush, no. Luscious, though, yes. JACK: You're not going to get any argument from me on that one. > ACT ONE JACK: Fade in to... (Dramatic evil voice) HELL! RANMA: Calm down, boy. It's not even half done. > FADE IN JACK: TO HELL!!!!! MOLLY: CALM DOWN! JACK: Sorry. I just like doing dark comments. > INT. SAILOR STREET HOME - DARIEN AND KUNO - EARLY EVENING RANMA: No yaoi comments, everybody. JACK: Wouldn't dream of it. MELVIN: Bad... mental... picture of the sword and Darien... AARGH!!! MOLLY: What's yaoi? RANMA: I'll tell you later. (Muttering) Damned cursed springs... > DARIEN arrives home as KUNO is practising his Tendo moves. SETSUNA: (Kuno as a badly dubbed kung-fu guy) Ha! Feel the wrath of my mighty tendo-fu! Aiii-yah! JACK: (Ditto) Oh! Pain extreme! I have severed my leg with my weapon! MELVIN: (Nelson Muntz) Ha ha! >DARIEN: I'm getting a good lay tonight! MOLLY: So he's going to bed early? >KUNO: Why? Retiring to bed early? SETSUNA: *Groan* JACK: Great. Another mind-probing fic. RANMA: Among other parts... SETSUNA AND JACK: SHUT UP! *Both hit Ranma in his head with their weapons of destruction - her Time Staff and his eagle cane.* RANMA: Okay! Okay! Geez... I didn't mean it as hentai. >DARIEN: No! MINA is having a party tonight and I'm invited. RANMA: (Darien) So I have to stop by a store and pick up some "Jack Daniels", whatever that is... MOLLY: (Ditto) And then I also have to find something called a "joint"... MELVIN: (Darien) And when I get there, there's going to be an energy-sucking Negaverse monster at the door demanding I.D. no doubt. >KUNO: So? JACK: Ah, so desu ka! (Rimshot) SETSUNA: And I thought that Raye was the James Bond freak around the palace... >DARIEN: MINA is the girl I met while playing a game of 'Twister'. MOLLY: So they met while they were chasing tornadoes? MELVIN: I think that he means the game where you place your various appendages on colored circles depending on the circumstances of the call. MOLLY: Ah. >KUNO: A childish game! Only a fools would spend an hour contorting their bodies in strange positions! JACK: (Darien) And let me tell you, there were some pretty exciting positions we tried out... *THWAP!* SETSUNA: No hentai! >DARIEN: I'm not sure why, but it was kinda exciting! SETSUNA: (Darien) Perhaps it's the painful injuries I got... MOLLY: (Doctor) Let's see... broken arms, broken legs, sprained ankles, severed pen... *Melvin covers Molly's mouth* MMMPH! MELVIN: Please don't mention _that_ particular injury when there's a male in the room. *Releases Molly's mouth* >KUNO: So she is destined to be your latest conquest? RANMA: (Christopher Columbus) I claim this land for Spain! >DARIEN: Naw. She was a one-nighter. I told her I'd love her forever and >then > I tossed her away along with the condom. JACK: *Head begins to boil* That... (pissed off) is _SO_ wrong. Screwing her and then throwing her away after one night... my sense of ethics says that it's wrong... SETSUNA: (worried) Jack, calm down. He's OOC. Severely so. JACK: (cooling down) Any more and I'll probably loose some kind of ki attack. Just be forewarned. >Actually, I'm going there > because her friend AMI will be there. MOLLY: Oh gods, not Amy too... MELVIN: No, it's not Amy! Look! He said "Ami"! MOLLY: Well, if he's using dubbed characters, he at least ought to know that Ami is Amy. RANMA: Hey, ease up on the author bashing. We can blow up his mailbox with flames after the fic. >KUNO: Aaaah... RANMA: (Exact Kuno) I am engulfed in flames! Aid me! Extinguish my burning exterior! ALL BUT RANMA: *Clap* RANMA: Thank you, thank you. Performances in the fic, every fic. >DARIEN: She's incredibly smart. Even so, I won't hold that against her-- > I still think she's cute. SETSUNA: And _how_ is being smart bad? I'm immortal and incredibly intelligent because of my lifetime of experience! JACK: *Hugs her* And we love you for it. SETSUNA: Hentai! *THWAP* Don't touch me! JACK: *Collapses to the ground unconscious* >KUNO: Have you not forgotten your lifemate, SERENA? RANMA: And I suppose then that I have three lifemates due to my (yelling) IDIOT FATHER (normal) setting me up with them all? GENMA'S PANDA SIGN: (Onscreen) Why you little! When you get home, you're going up aganst Happosai! RANMA: *Sweatdrop* Oh, crap... JACK: *wakes up* Urrrrgh.... ouch..... >DARIEN: Oh, cut that 'Destiny' crap! MELVIN: And serve it on crackers with cheese. Serves ten. MOLLY: You think he means the fic? MELVIN: Maybe. >She's gone away with her parents, > so I guess I'll be having some fun! SETSUNA: (Darien, singing) Everybody had fun tonight... JACK: (Bass voice, singing) Everybody had fun tonight. SETSUNA: (Darien, singing) Everybody went jump tonight... JACK: (Bass voice, singing) Everybody had fun tonight. (Normal) I guess that those MP3s I picked up are really nice tools for riffing after all! SETSUNA: Oh, all right. You can keep them. But for the sake of the kamis, organize them! >KUNO: How can you even think to betray your woman? RANMA: Hell, I try it every day with Ukyo and Shampoo, but those two women just won't let go! >DARIEN: Aw, she's just my girlfriend. MOLLY: As opposed to what? MELVIN: I'd say his boyfriend, but Setsuna's got her staff out again... SETSUNA: Damn straight. >Besides I'm having trouble dumping >her. MELVIN: (Dump truck operator) A little to the left... ALL BUT MELVIN: *Make beeping and various dump truck sounds* >KUNO: You should do well consider the folly of your ways, lest you break > her heart. JACK: (Sailor Moon) Aw, hell! Tuxedo Mask doesn't love me anymore... oh well! I'll go eat a pie! SETSUNA: You know that she's nothing like that. JACK: Bite me. SETSUNA: You wish. JACK: *fumes in silence* MELVIN: Oh my God! He broke her heart! Someone get the super glue! >DARIEN: Forget it. I'm gonna have fun at the party, even if YOU decide to > come! RANMA: (Kuno) And I'll play scherades while I'm there, too! So revel while you can! >KUNO: (aside) Hmph. If all the girls at the party were laid end to end, > I wouldn't be at all surprised. JACK: (Kuno) Let's see... lay Serena there, Raye there, and Lita there... follow that with Amy and Mina... nope. too long. Won't fit into the room. >DARIEN: Where's ANDREW* and NEPHLYTE ? SETSUNA: How the hell did he pronounce that? MELVIN: Pronounce what, Andrew? SETSUNA: No, *. I thought that only MSTers and demons could do that. (The Fourth Wall Shatters) MAGIC VOICE (Me): Stop breaking the Fourth Wall if you ever want to get out of here. MELVIN: Well, it was nice having a Fourth Wall while we did... MOLLY: Nephlyte... *goes off into dream state* >KUNO: ANDREW is upstairs pursuing academic matters; NEPHLYTE, >employed. RANMA: Keeping Akane away from the kitchen, I should hope. >*ANDREW is always referred to yet he never appears on screen. JACK: Like Maris on "Frasier". SETSUNA: Or Andy Griffith on "The Andy Griffith Show". JACK: He was the frigging star, Setsuna. He was in practically every scene. SETSUNA: Unfortunately. > CUT TO MELVIN: Bulbasaur, cut attack! RANMA: Otaku. MELVIN: It's fanboy, you... HEY, SHUT UP! RANMA: *Laughs* > INT. ABACAB JACK: Hey, a Sega Genesis code! Isn't that one for "Vectorman"? MELVIN: No, that was "CALLACAB". JACK: Close enough. I wonder... *Whips out a Hammerspace Genesis controller* Let's see... ABACAB... *Presses sequence of buttons and a giant bag of popcorn falls in his lap. A 256 oz. AbyssBoy soda nestles itself in his armrest's cupholder, and a fifty-pound bag of Pull-and-Peel Twizzlers emerges from nowhere to hit his head.* Hey, cool! SETSUNA: The hell... JACK: Don't knock Hammerspace, you all. >RESTAURANT - NEPHLYTE AND CO-WORKERS SETSUNA: Are busy chopping up youma to serve in po-boys. ALL BUT SETSUNA: EWWWW!!!!! SETSUNA: *Evil grin* Well, you never know just what's in them... JACK: *Is sick into a Hammerspace barf bag* > NEPHLYTE is cutting sandwiches, SETSUNA: See? I told you so. MOLLY: (Weakly) The author didn't say what was in them. Let's keep it that way. >while two of his coworkers, ZOYCITE > and MALACHITE RANMA: At least it's not Zoisite and Kunzite. Then I'd start puking. JACK: (Weakly) Shut up, aquatranssexual. >are standing nearby having a cigarette, dropping ash > into the hollandaise. MELVIN: So they're dropping a Poke-twerp into sauce for Eggs Benedict? SETSUNA: And no doubt they're cooking Chansey's eggs. JACK: Or better yet, Togepi. I hate that little thing. >ZOYCITE: He had a glass eye. He didn't tell me -- it just came out in > the conversation. RANMA: But how could it come out in the conversation? She said that he never told her that (finally getting it) oh my GOD THAT'S DISGUSTING! SETSUNA: Um, guys? Zoisite's never had a boyfriend other than Malachite. RANMA: And she never will with that laugh. >MALACHITE: You don't say! JACK: Okay, I won't say that you two are dropping cigarette butts and ashes in my hollendaise sauce. MOLLY: He said not to say it. Listen next time. >NEPHLYTE: Oh, man. I've gotta get out of this hole. RANMA: Not one word or I kill you. JACK: Don't worry - I don't make cracks like that. SETSUNA: At least, not any more. >You guys make me sick. ALL: (Shouting) The feeling's mutual! >MALACHITE: Gotta problem? >NEPHLYTE: If you chimney stacks stayed away from the food, no. >ZOYCITE: Look, MALACHITE. NEPHLYTE thinks he's better than us. MOLLY: Hell yeah! He was in more ways than one! MELVIN: Molly, are you saying that... MOLLY: What? No, Nephrite and I never... why you little! *THWAP* MELVIN: Owie, owie, owie! >NEPHLYTE: Take a bath in the deep fryer, jerk. RANMA: (Singing) This is the way we wash our hair, wash our hair, wash our hair, this is the way we wash our hair with grease so hot that it'll burn you to a horrible flaming screaming death! SETSUNA: Wow. And I thought that Jack was the dark one. > ZOYCITE knocks away the sandwich that NEPHLYTE was working on. MOLLY: Fries are up! JACK: It's a high fly sandwich to right field! >ZOYCITE: Ah ha. It seems I've put the 'sand' back into 'sandwich'. SETSUNA: That is _so_ wrong. RANMA: EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! EW! JACK: Ladies and gentlemen, Ranma Saotome actually "ew"-ing at something other than Akane's cooking. RANMA: Hell, she could work here - the food probably would be just a bit better. >NEPHLYTE: (holding out hair covered sandwhich) JACK: Which? Which sandwich? SETSUNA: *Groan* > You slime! I can't serve this to the customer! MELVIN: I wouldn't be surprised if they did anyway. >ZOYCITE: Why not, dear? That hasn't stopped us before. MELVIN: I told you so. SETSUNA: I'm never going to eat there. > NEPHLYTE gets so angry he throws a bottle of vinegar at them. RANMA: (Nephrite, maniacal) Where's your spatula now, Zoisite? JACK: That's sure gonna stink when it opens up. >Missing > his target, the bottle smashes into an open container of baking soda. > Foam begins to rise... MOLLY: (Televangelist) Rise, foam! Rise and walk! JACK: Oh, megami-sama... not more televangelist jokes... >ZOYCITE: Look at what you've done, you fool! MELVIN: Oh, he _is_ looking... right, Molly? MOLLY: NO! *THWAP WA-TAK!!!* >NEPHLYTE: Oh, shit. JACK: (Graham Chapman in Monty Python and the Holy Grail) Oh, shit. SETSUNA: I hope that that's not in the food. RANMA: What, the shit or the baking soda and vinegar? SETSUNA: Both. > The concoction begins to mix with nearby sauces, SETSUNA: Mix well, chill for three hours, and serve. Serves one, though it will intoxicate ten in a pinch. >and a huge >explosion ALL: *Make assorted explosion sounds* > of sludge covers ZOYCITE. JACK: Ten to one says that it's Muk or Grimer. SETSUNA: Beryl never said that this thing was a crossover other than Ranma. RANMA: Shut up. >The noise brings in CHEF BERYL. MELVIN: Cheap plug, cheap plug. BERYL'S VOICE: Baka! Plot contrivance 3! *Melvin goes into a Chibi-Melvin form.* MOLLY: Melvin?!? SD MELVIN: (Very high voice) Oh, shit. >BERYL: What the hell is going on? JACK: A poorly written scene! SETSUNA: Rampant Ratliff-like writing! RANMA: (Nephrite) Look everywherre, and ignore Zoisite and Malachite. They're at it again. SETSUNA: Jack, you want to do the honors? JACK: No, we've got a bigger problem with Melvin. >MALACHITE: (pointing at sludge) ZOYCITE has been buried alive under this > sludge! JACK: (Beryl) So? That's just her make-up. SETSUNA: Isn't that a little less than she normally uses? JACK: I wouldn't know. I started my campaign when Alan and Ann came around with the Cardians. >BERYL: Has the equipment been damaged? RANMA: No more than usual. But hey, we can still serve crap to the customers! >MALACHITE: Uh, no... >BERYL: Thank Hell! CHIBI-MELVIN: (Singing) Hell-elujah! Hell-elujah! BERYL'S VOICE: Okay, that's just wrong. Restore 3! *Melvin turns back to normal Melvin* MELVIN: That was fun! Wanna do it again! >NEPHLYTE, clean this mess up. >NEPHLYTE: (grumbling) Yes, ma'am. JACK: (Nephrite) Clean this, cook that... someday they'll all pay. >MALACHITE: (kneeling and holding up ZOYCITE's head) Speak to me, >ZOYCITE! SETSUNA: (Zoisite) Woof! Woof! RANMA: (Malachite) Good Zoisite! You get a treat! (Normal) Hee hee hee... JACK: Oh _no_ you _don't_, Ranma. RANMA: Bite me. >ZOYCITE: I'm such a pretty mess. ALL: (Singing) I feel pretty... oh, so pretty... > I'm sorry, MALACHITE... > I guess that... that... >MALACHITE: What is it, honey? MOLLY: (Zoisite) No, baking soda, vinegar, and assorted other sauces. But honey would be nice right about now! >ZOYCITE: (gargling) Looks like...dinner's....on me. ALL: *Groan* RANMA: Bad joke. >BERYL: All right. Who's responsible for this fiasco? >MALACHITE: (pointing to NEPHLYTE) He did it. MELVIN: (Dark Helmet from Spaceballs) Um... he did it. JACK: (Lone Star from Spaceballs) WHAT!?! *Jack and Melvin pretend to have a SchwartzSaber duel* >BERYL: I will brook no such failure from my sub-ordinates. > Remember that I put JEDITE in cold storage? > Everyone shudders. Cut to scene in restaurant meatlocker. ALL: SHIT! MAGIC VOICE: Ease up on the language! RANMA: Not the Jadeite in the meatlocker bit! >JEDITE: So...c-c-cold!!! > Back to the kitchen. >BERYL: I have decided on your fate, NEPHLYTE. It will more severe > than JEDITE the unfortunate... JACK: (Beryl) You will listen to every song Hanson and the Spice Girls ever made! EVERYONE ELSE: *Scream and hit Jack* JACK: Was it something I said? >NEPHLYTE: Please, CHEF. I beg you! >BERYL: NEPHLYTE, you're fired! JACK: (Nephrite) Oh, okay. RANMA: (Nephrite) That sucks. I'm going to go have a beer. SETSUNA: Why doesn't he just beat the crap out of her? > CUT TO MELVIN: (Julia Child) Small pieces, add salt to flavor, and voila! Diced youma! Serves three, though four to eight can have it as a snack in a pinch. > INT. SAILOR STREET HOUSE - A LITTLE WHILE LATER JACK: By the way, everybody, I just heard the funniest parody of Sesame Street on Napster. Something called "Sesame Street on Marijuana". It's really funny, especially since Big Bird and Kermit are _REALLY_ stoned. MELVIN: What was the letter of the day? JACK: I quote Big Bird: "Three. That's the number of joints I smoked today!" Or was it "The letter bong..." RANMA: And the number? JACK: I quote: "F(BLEEP)k you. The number f(BLEEP)k you." Enquote. MOLLY: Okay, that's just wrong. JACK: I never said that it was good. Just that it was funny. > The phone is ringing. KUNO is picking it up. JACK: Jack is riffing the story. SETSUNA: Setsuna is puking in the corner. *Pukes in corner* RANMA: Ranma is having a naughty thought about Jack and Setsuna. JACK AND SETSUNA: Jack is/Setsuna is hitting Ranma in the head. *WA-TAK WHAP!!!!* MOLLY: Ranma is screaming in pain. RANMA: *Screams in pain* >DARIEN: I hope it's not LITA. MELVIN: (Darien) I hope it's a telemarketer! >KUNO: Wherefore? (picking up phone) Hello. Oh, salutations to you, RAYE! > ...Yes, he is present. (to DARIEN) It is for you. RANMA: (Exact Kuno) Happy birthday! >DARIEN: Oh, no. If she finds out I'm going to the party, she'll want > to come too. MELVIN: (Darien) And I just got my insurance paid up... oh, well. > Split screen of DARIEN and RAYE talking on the phone. MOLLY: Wow! Screen's doing the splits! (Rimshot sound) ALL BUT MOLLY: *Obligatory rimshot groan* >RAYE: Darling! How's my angel in tight pants? RANMA: I don't get it. JACK: Be grateful. *Turns green* >DARIEN: Uh, fine...dear... RANMA: (Darien as exact Ricky Ricardo) Luuuucy, you've got some 'splainin' to do! >RAYE: Are you up to anything tonight? JACK: About thirty thousand feet, and then dropping like a rock, but no, not really, why? >DARIEN: Well, uh, actually I am. You see, I have to wash ANDREW's cat, > ENDYMION. I, uh, promised. SETSUNA: Why the hell would he wash a _cat_? Doesn't it just lick itself clean?!? >RAYE: But why, my widdle bunny? Can't ANDREW do it himself? MELVIN: This reeks of Oscar. MOLLY: Not Oscar... Poor Artemis. >DARIEN: Er, no. He's... uh, well... allergic to cats -- yeah that's > right -- so I have to do it. Really. RANMA: Then why the f(BLEEP)ing hell does he have the f(BLEEP)ing cat in the first f(BLEEP)ing place?!?!? JACK: (Darien) Really. No, I'm serious. No, I'm really serious! >RAYE: I hope you aren't lying to your dear, sweet girlfriend... >DARIEN: Hey, have I ever lied to you? MOLLY: (Darien) Let me rephrase that. Have I ever lied to you _this week_? >RAYE: You wouldn't wanna have me cover your naked body in honey > and worms and let my pet ravens play with you, would you? RANMA: Ooh, kinky. JACK: *WA-TAK* RANMA: Well, it is! >DARIEN: (A huge sweatdrop appears on his head) Uh, no. MOLLY: (Bad English accent) Uh, no, no, I don't think so, no, no. >RAYE: Oh, well. Too bad you're busy. It would've been great to see you > at MINA's party tonight. Ciao! > DARIEN hangs up the phone. JACK: Jack sings the first stanza of the "Hentai Song" by Bellchan@aol.com. (Singing a la "The Lumberjack Song") I'm a hentai, and I'm ecchi, I drool all night and I ogle all day! SETSUNA: Setsuna hits Jack in the stomach. *Punches Jack in his stomach.* RANMA: Ranma laughs at Jack. *Laughs like hell* JACK: Jack punches Ranma in the arm. *Punches Ranma. A brawl breaks out.* >KUNO: Did I hear you utter an untruth to RAYE? >DARIEN: Long story...I sorta got involved with her when SERENA and I > sorta broke up. MELVIN: How the hell can you "sorta" break up with someone? MOLLY: As the MSTer. He knows. (CRASH) MAGIC VOICE: Stop with the fourth wall or else I make you all read "Chibi-Usa's Seventh Birthday". UnMSTed. Repeatedly. ALL: *Stare in shock and horror. Ranma and Jack stop fighting and sit down in their seats quietly.* MOLLY: (scared) We'll be good! >KUNO: And you 'sorta' sought to deflower sweet, innocent RAYE? >DARIEN: The bitch plays with fire, man. SETSUNA: So she's Myro? JACK: Please... no Hachi Machi flashbacks. >KUNO: Ah. But RAYE does still persist in corralling you. MELVIN: (Cowboy) The shootout at the old Raye corral. >DARIEN: Uh, yeah. I kinda forgot to tell her it was over. >KUNO: I see. But then who is this LITA of which you referred earlier? RANMA: (Darien) Her name is Lita, and she's an alcoholic... MOLLY: No Eminem! >DARIEN: A one night stand at a club. >KUNO: Describe her appearance. Was she a lovely maiden? >DARIEN: It was so dark, I couldn't tell. I saw her face only in the > fitful light of a post-coital DuMaurier. MELVIN: Isn't a DuMaurier a type of car? ALL: *Make assorted beeping and honking sounds* >KUNO: Oh, what a tangled web we weave, when we first practise to >conceive. >DARIEN: Man, if she sees me making my moves on AMY, she'll skin me >alive! > DARIEN gets up to leave. MOLLY: And so will we. *All get up and walk towards the doors.* BERYL'S VOICE: SIT DOWN, OR I'LL SEND YOU A HACHIFIC! ALL: *sit down, making various sounds of discontent* >DARIEN: The stress! I'm taking a nap. >KUNO: Retiring so soon? RANMA: (Darien) Yeah, Florida's good this time of year. > NEPHLYTE walks through the door. He's lighting a cigarette. SETSUNA: And we have no doubt that it's a marijuana cigarette. JACK: I doubt the any of the generals smoked weed. >KUNO: Was work satisfactory? >NEPHLYTE: (lying) Oh, I quit. MELVIN: (Darien) Yeah, I quit. Blew up the Restaurant, too! >KUNO: Did you? Really. >NEPHLYTE: (lighting a cigarette) Yeah, I'm tired of working for the > Man! This society is too bourgeoise for my refined taste. MOLLY: But he just lit the cigarette... did it go out or something? >KUNO: (upset) Zounds! How will you manage to pay the rent? JACK: (Nephrite) I had to take a second job. I'm a male escort. >NEPHLYTE: I'm embarking on my career as a writer! ALL: So how are you going to pay the rent? >KUNO: I said, how will you manage to pay the rent? SETSUNA: See? Told you so. >NEPHLYTE: (lighting a cigarette) Money, money, money! Who needs it! > Just listen to this poem I wrote on my way home: JACK: VOGON POETRY!!! AIEEEEEE!!!!! > The dead swans lay in the stagnant pool. > They lay. They rotted. > They turned around occasionally. > Bits of flesh dropped off from time to time. > And sank into the pool's mire. > They also smelt a great deal. JACK: Like I said, it sucks bad. SETSUNA: No argument here. >KUNO: (to himself) Failure has gotten to his head. >NEPHLYTE: (throwing the lousy lighter away) Are you going to MINA's party? >KUNO: (swinging his Kendo sword) No, for within the first break of > sunlight I must practise Kendo. RANMA: He practices and practices but he can never beat me... >NEPHLYTE: (pulling out some matches) You're going to miss some of my > readings there! MELVIN: (Kuno) Just one more reason that I'm not going! >KUNO: Ye Gods, no! Why there? >NEPHLYTE: Hey, the best audience is intelligent, well-educated, and more > than a little drunk. RANMA: They'd have to be to listen to Nephrite's poetry. >KUNO: Well, better them than me. JACK: The Vogons are present in Nephrite! >NEPHLYTE: (cigarette is lit; takes a drag) > You'll never get a girlfriend if you stay home all the time. SETSUNA: Kuno's gotta be gay. JACK: SETSUNA! SETSUNA: What? He chases after _Ranma_ here all the time. RANMA: Shut up. >KUNO: Foolish man! Sometimes women can be a substitute > for masturbation--but it takes imagination. MELVIN: Isn't that the other way around? RANMA: Not for Kuno. Don't ask. Trust me. >NEPHLYTE: (butts out cig) Time for me to go. Don't forget to wake DARIEN. > Doorbell rings. NEPHLYTE goes to get it. JACK: And I'm leaving.. *Stands up to leave. A bolt tof lightning emerges from nowhere and zaps him.* BERYL: Do you want that again? SIDDOWN!!! JACK: *Sits down in pain* >NEPHLYTE: I hope the Girl Scouts aren't trying to sell magic tiaras again!! RANMA: Nope, just the Society for the Banning of Endless Anime-Banging here to kill Darien. MOLLY: (Nephrite) Down the hall to the left. RANMA: Thank you! > NEPHLYTE opens the door. Standing there is LITA, > a tough looking gal. MOLLY: Lita's not tough-looking - she looks like Kasumi with a ponytail. MELVIN: She is tough, however. >LITA: Hi. Is DARIEN home? >NEPHLYTE: He's asleep. Get KUNO to wake him, I'm heading out. JACK: Enemy on bearing two-thirty, repeat, enemy at bearing two-twenty! SETSUNA: (Nephrite) Launching missiles! *Imitates missile* JACK: Bogey destroyed, repeat, bogey destroyed! > NEPHLYTE exits house. LITA walks into the hallway, closing the > door. >LITA: What's eating you? (yelling to KUNO) Yo, KUNO. Get yer butt over >here! RANMA: (exact Kuno) I shall hauleth mine heinie over to thine position posthaste. For what reason have you summoned me? > KUNO appears in hall, carrying his kendo sword. MOLLY: Kuno. He came out of the hall to do battle with the AMAZING RANDO! MELVIN: Watch as Kuno gets the crap beaten out of him! >KUNO: Hello? Yes? >LITA: I'm LITA. But please call me MAKO... LITA is too girly, y'know. > Can I go up and wake up DARIEN? >KUNO: He does sleep heavily... RANMA: He's impossible to lift, you know. JACK: Please, kami-sama, not a Snorlax... >MAKO: Perhaps a dose of my patented 1-2-3 Body Slam technique is in >order? JACK: AAH!!! Now Lita's a Pikachu! SETSUNA: Don't worry - it's nearly over. >KUNO: Sorry, I am not sure if I heard you right. >MAKO: (pointing at KUNO's sword) Hell, I'll use that instead! >KUNO: No! No one may touch Nabiki! RANMA: Oh... my... God... MELVIN: Nabiki? As in Tendo? MOLLY: I thought he liked Akane and girl-type Ranma. JACK: Well, I think that he'll leave Ranma alone now. >MAKO: It has a name? You are so weird! ALL: Well, DUH!! >KUNO: Nabiki takes care of me. In case of danger I carry her with me, > and in case of real emergency, I use her as a cane to gain sympathy. MOLLY: Nabiki. She came out of the sheath to do battle wth the AMAZING RANDO! MELVIN: This Rando stuff cracks me up. >MAKO: But can she keep you warm at night? RANMA: (Kuno) Sure. I just put her in the microwave for thirty minutes. >KUNO: Listen to me, MAKO. With my Nabiki at my side, I will live forever... > or die in the attempt! JACK: Mor-on! SETSUNA: That is such a redundant statement. JACK: Brought to you by the Department of Redundancy Department. >MAKO: Oh brother. Is DARIEN going to MINA's party, or what? >KUNO: Does DARIEN's attendance hold meaning for you? >MAKO: Hell, yeah. I stopped by the liquor store on my way here. > (holds out brown paper bag) I got this mickey so DARIEN and I > could get real wasted y'know. Maybe pick up some chicks! RANMA: So she's bi now? JACK: Good God, I hope not. >KUNO: I am confused. MELVIN: (Kuno) As always. > Are you not the one who shared herself with DARIEN > one night par excellence? RANMA: (Lita) Excellent? Oh, yeah, for him, maybe. He was so small... JACK: NO HENTAI! *WA-TAK!!!* RANMA: YEOW!!!! >MAKO: Oh, ya know about that, huh? Well I'm not very choosy about my > partners. Oh, I don't need to say that, do I? You live with the guy! SETSUNA: Darien's not too choosy... and Kuno... OH MY GOD THAT'S DISGUSTING!!! JACK: No yaoi... please, god, no yaoi... >KUNO: I must advise you that DARIEN is attempting yet another conquest. JACK: (Darien as Columbus) I claim this breast for Spain! SETSUNA: *WHAP* JACK: Geez! Cut it out! >MAKO: I know that! A threesome might be fun, though... MOLLY: But you need four to play spades... MELVIN: (Dick Steele from Spy Hard) The art of lovemaking takes two. Sometimes three or four, depending on how you do at the crap tables. > The doorbell rings. RANMA: Again? Geez... >KUNO: (opening door) Yet another visitor graces our humble premises. > Standing in the doorway is SERENA. JACK: (Darien) Okay, Lita, I got the condom... oh, poopy. SETSUNA: (Serena) DARIEN! >SERENA: Is DARIEN there? My Dad had to do something important today, so > my parents've decided to leave tomorrow instead. Okay? > So it looks like I can go to MINA's party after all! Cool or what???! ALL: (bored) What. >END OF ACT ONE RANMA: Drop the curtain, destroy the fanfic. >-- MELVIN: (Artoo-Detoo) *Makes assorted beeping sounds* >-------------------------------------------------- >omega@torfree.net - Proud member of #SkAS# JACK: The SKating AssholeS? SETSUNA: No, probably the SKum of the ASteroid belt. >Skuld Appreciation Society, Goddess of De-buggers! ALL: Damn, we were way off! >-------------------------------------------------- JACK: That's it. Let's go. *All exit the theater.* (Reverse Door Sequence) (Scene: The SOS lounge. Jack and Hotaru are sitting there with Amy, Molly, and Melvin.) AMY: Listen, Molly, you've got to get out of here. The next fic will be even worse. *Button flashes* Speak of the devil. David Koresh is calling. *Hits the button* (NegaCave) BERYL: Well, my little lab rats, you survived the fic. How'd you like it? (SOS) JACK: Not too bad, though Darien was horribly OOC. SETSUNA: Still pretty low on my scale. AMY: There was a fic? MOLLY: Good God, how do you people stand this? JACK: A good deal of luck. (NegaCave) BERYL: Aaarggh! Zoisite, push the button! ZOISITE: *Pushes the button* (SOS) JACK: (To Molly and Melvin) Don't worry, guys, we'll get you off... somehow... I hope... Let's get to the Holodeck for our little surprise for Rini and Hotaru. (FWOOSH) \ | / \ | / \ | / ------0------ / | \ / | \ / | \ (Fade to black) AUTHOR'S NOTES Well, this was a stinker. It was definitely my hardest to riff yet - and Omega, you did a good job with this. Without the riffs, this'd be a great fic. This took me three weeks to MST - and that's both at school and home! I have bad news. I recently obtained the painful information that Megane 6.7, one of the most revered MSTers in history, has already done a fic that I had lined up. Bishouji Senshi Royal Rumble, MSTed by Megane, is off my list as of Tuesday morning. In its place, I have obtained another fic - a Ruin Explorers lemon involving Fam and Ihrie. It isn't too pretty, but I can get it done fast and well. With any luck, I'll get these next five fics done soon. I have to thank Blaine for sending me more ammo to use on the residents of the satellite. His Crono Trigger fic is very _wrong_, and the poor prisoners will have hell to pay soon. Two people leave the Satellite next episode! Who should it be? Mail me and vote! Tuxedo Jack TuxedoJack@juno.com Mystery Sailor Moon Theater 3000 Season One Episode 101 - Seinfeld Meets Sailor Moon (Released 7/17/00) Episode 102 - PokeSailors (Released 7/20/00) Episode 103 - Sailor Moon: Redux (Released: 7/22/00) Episode 104 - Whimsical Sailor Street (Released 8/15/00) Episode 105 - Blaine's Crono Trigger Fic Parts 1 through 3 (Estimated Release Date: 8/29/00) Episode 106 - That's What A Tail is Good For (ERD: 9/15/00) (NOTE: Lesbian lemon. Masturbation and tail penetration. On a scale of one to ten, with ten being the worst: 4.) Episode 107 - AcAnime Fanfic Awards 2000 Act One (ERD: 9/30/00) Episode 108 - Blaine's Crono Trigger Fic Parts 4 and 5 (ERD: 10/15/00) Episode 109 - Fit To Be Tied (NOTE: Hell, this is without a doubt the worst lemon I've seen outside of an Oscarfic. There's yaoi with Rei, three men on Minako, two women on Makoto - the official "Dildo Policewoman" for the fic -, Ami-chan with a woman, and Usagi with relatively normal straight sex. Well, there is a _little_ bondage, but... Out of one to ten: 9.)