Seriously Wrong: An Unlikely Incident
By Guruhoro

Dis-lamer: I don't own Evangelion or any of its characters, but it's legal to parody them. Besides, I don't seek any material profit; if I did, I wouldn't be writing fanfiction. I'm doing this because fulfilling my desire to create `art' gives me an accomplished mood.


Warnings: This little bit of `art' is not recommended for those who are faint of heart, have not seen Evangelion, or are downright uptight. Nobody under 18 years (or 21, depending on your country/states laws) of age is allowed to read this. By reading this story, you take full responsibility of any damage caused directly or indirectly by this story to you or your surroundings. This includes, but is not limited to, fainting because all your blood is packed into a specific member of your body and/or laughing yourself to death.


Evangelion:

An Unlikely Incident


Asuka watched from her cockpit as Rei's Evangelion held the Angel from behind, and Shinji commanded his bionic armour to use more strength. His Evangelion complied, sinking the blade of its prog knife into the monster's core. The multi-limbed divine killing machine melted into a hissing pool of divine intestines and various fluids in all the colours of the rainbow.

Misato's voice sounded over the commlink. "Well done, both of you. Return to retrieval 32-C."

Asuka nodded, then did a second take. "What do you mean, both?! I did my part!" Her Evangelion waved its assault rifle.

"Yeah, you too," Misato calmed the fiery redhead. "Just get back now."

Asuka slouched back to the lift and grabbed the rail. In a couple of seconds she was sucked underground. Rei waited for the platform to come back up, allowing her Evangelion Unit 00 (I think of it as double-oh, not zero-zero) to crouch and rest its weary joints. There were dents in its arms, but no serious damage.

But Shinji's Evangelion did not move. It stood still, eyes gleaming beneath the mask that had suffered from the punches of the enemy. The right half of the forehead and cheek were ripped open, showing pipes and wires.

Misato repeated her command to the boy; "Shinji, get moving to the elevator." There was no answer, and the woman opened a screen showing the interior of the cockpit.

Shinji was sweating with exertion as he tried to bend the Evangelion under his will. For now, he barely managed to keep it unmoving. Slowly, his mental control over the bionic weapon faded, and it raised its hands to its face, and with one pull, wrenched open the mouth-shaped limiter of the already damaged mask.

This allowed the Evangelion Unit 1 to directly control himself without Shinji's interference, mostly because Shinji's mind was now a part of it; the synchronisation had exceeded three hundred per cent. The Evangelion released a mighty roar. A thought drifted across his consciousness: Free. Free to do as I please, but this time, there is no enemy to smash. What to do? He looked around, considering the possibility of berserking and destroying everything in his path. That is definitely an option, but I have done it once already, and it gets boring to the readers after the first couple of blocks. He also checked for other things his own size he could play around with. Maybe I should grab a rifle from that rack and try shooting down some birds with bullets a million times their size. … Nah. Then what? He spotted Rei's Eva Unit 00 crouching next to the lift. Oh no, my friend is still under the control of these monsters that call themselves humans. I must save her… is what I might think, if this were a serious plot. But I prefer humour. So I think: "That's a nice ass!"

Unit 1 extended his tongue - a slimy, pink tendril - to the side of his mouth to look like he was concentrating on what he was doing. Then he began to silently tiptoe closer to the other war machine, each step measuring on the Richter scale. As Rei in Unit 00 paid no attention to the Evangelion she still presumed to be under Shinji's control, the freed beast prepared his attack, pulling back both of his arms and kneeling behind Unit 00. His hands flashed forward-

-And grabbed Unit 00's buttocks.

The usually unshakeable Rei felt the touch through the sensory link of her Evangelion, and her shocked reaction sent Unit 00 jumping literally a hundred meters into the air. It wrecked a building as it landed, swinging around to take a look at its attacker.

Shinji's face on the comm screen was twisted into a bestial grin so scary that he was barely recognisable as himself, and his eyes had turned over in their sockets, leaving only the whites to quiver in sight as the boy breathed heavily.

Unit 1 was still crouching, his hands halted in the position where they had groped the other Evangelion. The mysterious glint in his eyes and his open mouth gave the impression of a mischievous smile, which was very unnerving, not least because it was on the face of a living weapon that could take on and take out half of the JSDF single-handedly.

Unit 1 stood up, his gaze unmoving from Rei's Evangelion. Still grinning, he stretched out his right hand, inviting Unit 00 to extend its own.

Rei knew that something was very wrong, and assumed a fighting stance, dropping the Evangelion's centre of gravity closer to the mangled streets for increased stability.

Unit 00 reacted sluggishly, realising what the free Evangelion had in mind. It struggled against Rei's control, but the girl's hold on the imaginary reins of her bionic steed was too strong. Unit 00 had no choice but to do as its master commanded, and think: Oh, my shining knight in purple and green armour, please save me from my incarceration… It hated the fact that as its limiter acted as a restraint to its free movement, it also doubled as a muzzle that prevented the Evangelion from expressing itself vocally.

Unit 1 lowered his hand, seeing how the other Evangelion was not able to free itself. He moved as if to turn away, but swung around, crouching at the same time, and sprang at Unit 00, his hands held at his sides.

Rei reacted quickly, moving one foot of her charge behind for support, and tried to stop Unit 1's rush by grabbing his shoulder extensions.

This was exactly what Unit 1 had planned for, and he moved his hands forward, making Unit 00 lose its grip as the shoulder extensions swung back. Unit 00, leaning heavily forward to compensate for Unit 1's speed, fell forward, but the free Evangelion caught it.

By the face.

Unit 1 slapped his left hand onto the falling Unit 00's forehead and his right onto its jaw. Using the energy of their collision, he forcefully pried the mask open, releasing Unit 00's consciousness.

Rei tried to withdraw her unit from the independently acting Evangelion, but for her, it was too late. The expanding effects of the limiter going out of action caught her, and she felt herself not only feeling what her Evangelion physically felt - a necessity for effective combat - but also the melting together of their minds. The synchronisation rating shot up as Rei became a part of Unit 00.

Now, the newly freed living weapon felt total independence for the first time. Knowing only the human model of interaction, she embraced Unit 1 in her arms. Trying for the first time to actually speak, she opened her mouth wide-

-Which gave Unit 1 a chance to lean closer and kiss it. He opened his mouth wide and laid it over Unit 00's, thrusting his tongue in to meet with hers.

She pulled away, turning her head to the side, and whispered: "Please… not so suddenly…" The vibrations of her trembling voice shattered windows in a two-mile radius.

Everybody, who heard the voice in the city and underneath it shuddered. To hear a bionic war machine speak like a bashful maiden, although in a hugely amplified voice - which resembled Rei's, by the way - was a confusing experience, to say the least.

Unit 1 gently touched her cheek. "What's the matter, my pretty? There's no need to be shy… I know you want it as bad as I do." His voice had a teasing undertone.

Now you can only imagine the shock of all who heard this. It was as if the Evangelion had stolen Shinji's voice, amplified it a hundred-fold, and added some edge into it. The people neglected to understand the meaning of the last sentence, simply because thinking such insane things it hinted could have fried a lesser brain stem.

In the NERV Control Centre, Misato shouted at Shinji's still freaked image: "What are you doing? Get your ass back under control and into that lift! Stop fooling around!" Then she turned to Rei. "At least you should know what your duty is! Make him stop fooling around!" The video feed from Rei's cockpit showed the girl looking perfectly normal except for the fact that her eyes had flipped ninety degrees in their sockets. A sweatdrop appeared on Misato's forehead, but she shook off the cliché and shouted: "Cut power to both units!"

A technician responded: "Power down to zero… No reaction! They're still going!"

On the main screen, Unit 00 pushed the intruding hand off her cheek and turned away. "I can't," she said, "Not out here…"

Misato slammed her fist onto the console and cursed under her breath. "… Force eject the plugs!"

"No reaction! We've lost all control!"

Outside, Kensuke was a tad confused. "What the… I came to get some action on tape, and then all of a sudden, I've got battle mecha drama?" But he still held his portable recorder on target.

Unit 1 approached Unit 00 from behind, putting a calming hand on her shoulder. "What's the problem? I can feel the need within you."

"It's not that I don't want to…" She answered, "I thank you for saving me, you are my hero. But still, I can not… Not here, where everybody can see…"

"Oh, so that's it?" Unit 1 laughed; it sent shivers up the spines of thousands. "Don't worry. They're humans, they would rather not believe their eyes than admit to what they see. So… Please. I saved you, that's the facts, and I believe I have the right to at least a little reward."

Unit 00 put a hand on the one that rested on her shoulder. "But… I can't shake the feeling that they are watching us. I am not like you, I have… a feeling of shame. Don't you feel this is something we should do alone? Moreover, don't you think we should learn to know each other a little better first?"

"What, are you saying it doesn't mean anything that we've fought side by side half of our lives? And no, I won't feel ashamed of such a natural thing."

"What ever you say, I won't do it." Unit 00 crossed her arms across her chest. "I have my dignity."

"Oh, come on." Unit 1 moved closer to her back, embracing her waist. "I know you'll love it." He gently licked the side of her neck. "I'll make you love it." His hands slid up, under Unit 00's, and grabbed the top edge of her chest plate. He yanked it down and off entirely and threw it aside, revealing two organs that greatly resembled breasts, except that they were bluish-grey in colour and the nipples were dark brown. They were nice breasts, too. Pert and jiggly, slightly smaller than medium size if human scale was applicable, but each still larger than a good-size mansion.

Unit 00 screamed in embarrassment and tried to hide her chest. But Shinji's Evangelion was faster; it captured a soft tit in each hand and squeezed them, flicking his forefingers across the nipples, which soon hardened and grew taller than lampposts.

Struggling against her liberator-turned-captor, Unit 00 tore herself away from him. She stumbled forward and tripped on a bus, falling onto all fours. Unit 1 quickly approached, dug his fingertips into the edges of her armour's crotch-piece, and rent it away. His grin made a comeback as he beheld the revealed bluish-grey vagina. "I guessed we were just so much human. Imagine what I'd feel like if that had been just even skin, heh?" He also noticed that there was another hole behind that. Figures. We have mouths, so we can eat, and thus we must have assholes with which to evacuate the waste products.

Unit 00 reached an arm down under her body. "No… Don't look…" She covered the bared lips with her hand and moaned.

"Sensitive, eh? Then let's see…" Unit 1 pried the hand away and licked the gleaming slit between the visibly reddened lips of her pussy. "Mmh, tasty…" The labia swelled and opened a bit with arousal, even as Unit 00 attempted to crawl away.

"Don't," she pleaded, her voice sounding as if she were about to burst into tears. "I don't want to do it yet! Stop… ah…" Her resistance melted away as Unit 1's mouth clamped over her crotch, his tongue playing across her sensitive, virginal opening.

In the control room at NERV, Misato noted how Rei's image had changed. Her head had lolled to the side, and there was a trickle of saliva inching its way down her cheek from the corner of her mouth. Shinji's image showed no change. Misato saw no other choice. "Asuka, get back up there and pull them away from each other. Try pounding some sense into their skulls, but be careful not to lose control and end up like them."

The redhead nodded. "Don't worry, I can keep my cool when I need to." No way am I going to lose to those two horny idiots! She thought. And her feelings spoke yet another thing, but she would not admit that even to herself. She positioned her Eva back into the elevator and prepared for launch.

Meanwhile, Unit 00's pussy had been thoroughly licked, and she pleaded: "Please, my saviour… I need more… " Unit 1 `mmh'ed an affirmative, the vibrations stimulating the excited female Evangelion further. She moaned as a wave of burning heat spread from her crotch and settled into her body, making her feel loved and happy. "Thank you…" she muttered, falling down on her side. Unit 00 breathed calmly, basking in the after-warmth of her first orgasm.

But he wasn't finished. "Let's see what we have here." Unit 1 grinned and removed his own crotch armour. His penis instantly sprang into attention. "Good, I wasn't really sure I even had one. It's not as big as I expected, though," he said, eyeing the purplish-red, stiff pylon of flesh. It easily outsized a large lorry.

All around town, people `ugh'ed and turned away their stares.

Unit 00 glanced at him and his impressive endowment, and shivers of doubt ran down her spine. What if she wouldn't be able to take it? "Wait…" She rolled onto her back. "Please be gentle. Will you promise me you'll stop if I tell you to?"

Unit 1 affectionately stroked her shining helmet. "Of course, honey. I would never hurt you." He placed his eager cock to her wet opening, and pushed it in, slowly at first. When it became clear that female Evangelions did not come with built-in hymens, the careful male living weapon shoved his hard erection into Unit 00's vagina.

She gasped, squeezing Unit 1's upper arms with her gloved hands, and moved her hips up, wilfully making her pussy swallow all of the offered cock. She gazed deep into Unit 1's eyes, her unblinking eye conveying all the love in the world.

He gazed back and read the wordless message, the same timeless feelings reflecting in his eyes. He leaned closer and captured Unit 00's mouth in a ravaging kiss, engaging her tongue in an elegant dance of passion.

At this time, Asuka in her Unit 2 arrived on the scene. She commanded the Evangelion, and it obediently approached the are where the two others were lying down in between the buildings. Asuka could not see what was happening, before she was right next to the mating couple - that is, half a mile from them.

The bizarre sight captivated her mind as she just stood there, eyes fixed on the carnal play opening in front of her. The sensory strain on her unstable mind was severe: one side told her to run away, to deny it all. The other, working in synchronisation with the Evangelion, commanded her to join in, if possible. Her heart demanded an reason from Shinji, to explain why he was banging that frigid Ayanami, but Asuka noticed the implications of this and shut it from her mind as so many other things. This distraction pulled her mind from the bigger struggle, which led to her ultimate defeat.

In the end of her mental struggle, she couldn't take the stream of visual information. She submitted, allowing her Evangelion to take control. The jaws of its faceplate opened with a metallic screech. Unit 2 fell to her knees and ripped off her chest armour.

Asuka found that she was still conscious, feeling everything her living cage felt. As the sensations of the Evangelion's powerful hands grasping her breasts flooded into her mind, the arousal of the girl and the battle creature awoke simultaneously. Asuka felt, in addition to the Evangelion's increasing wetness, the inside of her plug suit growing sticky and warm around her crotch. She might have taken off the tight body glove, but she couldn't move a muscle.

Unit 2 slipped her right hand under the rim of her red crotch armour, instantly plunging two armoured fingers into her lusty vagina. The other gloved hand massaged her tit, lifting it up so she could lick it with her elongated tongue.

Kensuke was busy thanking whichever gods came to his mind for not being a stain on Unit 2's kneepads. He was sitting on the street right between her thighs, pointing his video recorder at the masturbating war machine with a shaky hand. "Nobody would ever believe this if I didn't have the tape…" He muttered.

Eight hundred yards away, the speed of Unit 1's thrusts was growing erratic as he felt the pressure in his lower belly rising. Showing admirable mental control, he held the stream of sperm just long enough to disengage himself from Unit 00 and pull his pulsating cock out of her glistening vagina. His staff fired jets of hot green goo onto her crotch, belly and breasts. There was enough of the stuff to fill several Olympic swimming pools, so it decorated her nicely.

Unit 1 laid down on his back and said: "That was great… you're so tight! By the gods, I love you."

"I love you too," Unit 00 said as she crawled up to him, "But we're not finished yet." She licked his tool a couple of times to clean it up and make it stand upright again. "This time, let me take care of everything." She straddled Unit 1's waist, aligning his tool with her dripping vagina. Letting gravity do the work for her, she lanced her juice-covered labia on the staff of hot meat, and moaned softly.

As Unit 00 pumped up and down on his shaft, Unit 1's attention was drawn to her breasts, which alluringly bounced right in his reach. He used both hands to knead the soft globes, spreading his seed to cover them entirely.

Unit 2 looked on from the sidelines, ripping off her crotch armour for easier access. She was now driving three slender fingers into the slippery hole and using the thumb to stimulate her clitoris. The other hand had lifted her left breast so she could lick and suck on the hardened nipple. She imagined Unit 1's hard cock in place of her long fingers probing her hot pussy.

In Unit 2's imagination, it was Unit 1's penis that was repeatedly entering her vagina. Through the link between the Evangelion and the pilot, Asuka felt the same things, but the image lingering on the edges of her mind was different from the one that stimulated Unit 2. She unwillingly beheld with her mind's eye an image of Shinji, the man he hated the most (or that's what she believed), holding her in his arms and sinking his manly member into her body with loving but strong thrusts. He whispered: "Asuka-chan… You're the only one for me… not that frigid Rei, or anyone else… I love you." These powerful fantasies, brought forward from the deepest reaches of her own heart by the Evangelion's situation, washed over her, offering no escape. The waves of pleasure radiating into her sexually tormented body eroded her resistance.

"Shinji-sama…" she moaned in a husky voice. "Please… take me any way you want…"

In the NERV command centre, Misato was nearly pulling out her hair in frustration. "What are you doing!? Idiots…" This operation was going very wrong very fast. Luckily they destroyed the Angel before losing control. She hoped the Evangelions would stop soon. Their copulation was shaking the earth so hard Misato could feel the thuds half a mile underground.

Unit 00 bounced up and down on Unit 1's waist, impaling her wet vagina on his member. Through their connection, Shinji believed he could feel his stiff cock thrusting up between Rei's moist, blood-engorged labia. In turn, she felt his hands roving her slime-covered breasts, and his hard penis sliding into her overflowing cunt. They mumbled each other's names each in their own entry plug, but still felt as close as humanly possible.

Shinji felt his sperm getting ready to shoot out again, as did Unit 1. The living weapon grunted: "Listen, honey… ah, so tight… I'm gonna come soon. I don't think we… uhh… should risk getting you pregnant, so…"

Unit 00 nodded. "unghh… I think so too." She lifted her cunt up from his cock. "But… what now?"

Unit 1 answered with deeds as he pulled her hips down without so much as a word of warning. His hard member forced open the untried ring of her asshole, and the entire staff, slippery with Unit 00's sexual fluids, slid in. Unit 1 groaned with the tightness that exceeded even Unit 00's vagina from when it was first invaded by him.

But what did she feel? The burning sensation of the friction of the sudden entry was followed by a sharp jolt of pain from her virginal butt. However, Unit 00 barely had time to gasp before she realised she actually enjoyed the tightness and fullness of her rear entrance. "Ahnng… Nuh… Next time…" She carefully lifted her butt and slammed it down again, the jerky movements bringing her really close to the edge. "…Next time… ngh… Give me a warning… Ngaahh!!" She reached the peak, her vagina overflowed with her juices and her rectum convulsed, squeezing Unit 1's cock like a vice.

He chuckled, but gasped for air as well, when the strangling grip of Unit 00's ass milked his penis. He came hard, pumping his semen a good fifty meters into Unit 00's bowels. Four, five, six loads shot from the tip of his cock, painting the inside of Unit 00's butt green with his hot semen.

In his entry plug, Shinji stained the inside of his plug suit, again. Rei's suit, as well, felt rather sticky inside when she came at the same moment as her Evangelion.

Unit 2, still seeking to find fulfilment from her own fingers, imagined what it would feel like to have Unit 1 do the dirty in her forbidden hole, and her vagina spasmed around her fingers. She reeled with the powerful sensation of her first orgasm, and her vagina sprayed natural lubricant onto the street below.

Asuka, forced by her Evangelion to fantasise about Shinji, came, although half against her will. At the moment of release, she wailed: "Shinji-samaa~!"

But we still have someone out there. He is Kensuke, who had taken the entire unlikely incident on tape. Unfortunately, he had been standing directly underneath Unit 2, and was now covered from head to toe in her juices. "Eww!" He exclaimed. "It slimed me!" He wiped the cum off of his video camera, then aimed the device at himself. "This is Kensuke, ending my report on the sexual behaviour of Evangelion. Tokyo-3, over and out."


Epilogue

Asuka, Shinji and Rei are sitting in a debriefing room. They have just listened more than an hour of Misato's preaching. When she finally finishes, the three pilots chant: "Understood, Katsuragi-san. It will not happen again."

Misato nods and smiles. "Well, actually the damage to property was a little less than your average. So don't worry too much, but try to sate those rampant desires of yours off the battle field, okay?"

Asuka explodes. "What rampant desires!? My stupid Evangelion forced me into doing it! You think I frig in public for fun? Besides, If I can choose, I don't fantasise about Shinji fucking me in the ass to help me get my-" She falls absolutely silent.

Misato nods again. "Yes, I recall you were screaming his name all through the incident…"

Asuka turns first paler than Rei, then redder than her own hair, and jumps up from her chair. "Forget what I just said! I - I didn't say anything, okay? Okay? And if any of you tell this to anyone at all, I'll personally strangle you with your own guts!"

Shinji stands up and puts a calming hand on her shoulder, but she slaps it away. He puts his hands up in a gesture of innocence and no offence, and says: "Don't worry, I believe you. It's not like I'd really think you want to, uh, have sex with me…"

Asuka swallows hard, blushes, and looks away. "…I didn't say that," she mumbles in a barely audible voice.

Rei, too, stands up now, with a very uncharacteristic frown upon her face. She holds Shinji's left hand in both of her own and leans her head on his shoulder. Not a word will she speak, but her eyes tell Asuka: "Stand aside. He is my man."

Asuka, although reluctant to confess her newly awakened feelings for Shinji, is not one to back off without a fight. "Okay, so what if your Evangelions fucked each other?" She snaps at Rei. "I'm going to be the first one to have the real him." She grabs his arm and tugs on it. "Come on, Shinji, let's go to my room."

As the two girls play tug-of-war with him, Shinji thinks: I've got to say, I didn't see this coming when I got into my entry plug today…


The end.


Author's notes

I have been thinking about this `fic for some time, since I have an interest in doing stuff that is Seriously Wrong. And what easier way is there to create something like that than to write unusual lemons? Okay, dressing up as a female anime character would be more concrete, but that's not… Wait, that is going to happen!

Anyway, read my LiveJournal (www.livejournal.com/~guruhoro) for more details on that, this space is reserved for this `fic. This story is not to be continued, but if you need more Evangelion hentai action, go check my NERV Cosmetics, unless you've already read that one.

Argh, strayed again. Umm… so… what more should I say? Well, it took several hours - well, about 8 hours, I guess - to finish the writing part, and some extra for the proof-reading. Originally, I intended this `fic to be far shorter and less intelligent and more humorous, but they say humour is the hardest genre of them all. Besides, all of my stories seem to stretch, and the plot just develops as I write it. I'm not saying this was a masterpiece of character development, unexpected turns and epic heroics, but more than what is demanded of a lemon. That is, not much.

So, drop me a review, will you? Even a "hehe 1337 i came" message is OK, but I hope you can come up with something more constructing than that. I like to tell myself I write for smart people. Show your quality and tell me how to write lemons that make you more aroused, quicker, and more often than this one, and I will write them. OK? Just take a couple of minutes to write a review, is all I'm asking…


Yours, Guruhoro


P.S. The proof-reading brought out three times more typos than usually. I must be getting soft. Or then I'm just tired.