Shinji does everybody

By Bluevirage

This story is a parody and all characters belong to someone other than me. Namely Gainax, project Eva and TV Tokyo. All of which should not worry since I make zippo, nadda, nothing off of this story except satisfaction that I finished such a thing. Also for those under eighteen don’t read please.

Notes: Okay act five is now done. The direction this is heading? Don’t know. Will I still continue to have fun? Hell yea. To tell the truth when I did the first story it was for myself. I was curious as to how I could do a story like this. I will not pretend I have not written erotica before. This on the other hand is my first anime inspired erotica piece. Its fan fiction nothing more… Yet this chapter besides comedy (bad comedy) I intend to have a better more resolvable plot. So I can end this thing and work on that Mega Man Legends story I have. Yes I actually do look at the requests page. Hence the action in this story.

I would like to thank all the writers I have emailed for their inspiration. No I do not steal ideas I come up with my own by having fun reading their work. And as such I welcome you all to my latest debauchery... Um err story. Yea so enjoy and I hope I can slide more humor in. Hey if it’s believable then it’s NOT funny in some cases. So I will dance the line of corny funny and serious funny. (Though I honestly cannot tell the difference) In this mess I call “no damn plot whatsoever to work with” Okay so there is a plot. A real simple one… Aw hell just enjoy.

Act five

“OH my god!” Shinji was buck naked and tied up with leather straps. His rear was pointed skyward and Asuka with a vicious grin was about to do some rather unpleasant things to the boy.

Hiding the whip she held Asuka smiled. “Oh hello Misato… How was your day?” Misato foggy from being tired and slightly drunk barely managed to speak clearly.

”Asuka… Untie him… Where is Rei?” Asuka pulled a gag out of Shinji’s mouth.

”It was awful! I had nothing to do with it!” Asuka kicked Shinji in the ribs.

”You had everything to do with it.” Rei fell out of a closet tied up also. “Oh and so did Rei… She tied herself up.”

”I’ll bet.” Misato shook her head to clear it. Sure attempting to save the world was easer than dealing with teenagers any day.But lately things had become so confusing. “Listen. If you cannot behave responsibly then I should hire a nanny. But knowing you three something would happen to whoever took up the job. But the fact of the matter is I am broke. So you have to pay whoever took up the job. No common street thugs please. I will interview whomever you find. And no prostitutes Asuka. Shinji doesn’t need any more stress.”

Asuka grinned. “Aww my plan to cause his early demise, so I will be the best, falls short yet again.“ Shinji finally free groaned while tossing on shorts and a shirt.

”Oh shut up. I could kick your butt anytime I wanted… I just don’t do that because of the unnecessary stress it would cause on the team as a whole.” Rei untied punched Asuka in the back of the head. And simply said.

”I don’t care what you do.” So it was decided a caretaker would be hired. But who could possibly fill the position. Who in all of Tokyo three could deal with the pilots after school. It was not unusual for kids to take care of themselves. But when it was a real possibility they would possibly harm one another while having sex that was not really officially sanctioned by anyone. But the matter swept under the rug and tied up tightly with red tape so that no one outside of Nerv would ever find out. The person responsible for the trio would be privy to knowledge that would probably get some beaten up.

The next day at school

Asuka held Touji’s head in a toilet at school and flushed over and over. “TELL ME WHAT YOU KNOW!” Touji flailed his arms. The lack of oxygen slowed his movements gradually. How Asuka overpowered the taller male was an amazing feat in itself. Well not really she just kicked him in his head when he bent over to tie his shoes and dragged him into the men’s room during lunch.
Pulling Touji’s head free Asuka glared at him. “I ugh… Don’t know anything about who Shinji picked as choice number one for an interview by Misato for the job of watching you pilots when Misato wasn’t around and even when she was. Due to her random drinking binges there would be a need for someone there at those times also. Now that I think about it security must be lax or something. Shouldn’t Misato be trying to get permission for such a thing from the commander?” Asuka kicked Touji. “Never mind plot err common sense question retracted… Ow my ribs!”

“Hmmm I believe you weakling. Now stay here and flush until I say you can leave!” Touji stood up as soon as Asuka left and looked over his wet jacket.

”I hope whoever does get that job knows how to handle Asuka.” Asuka’s plan was simple. Gain superiority over the other pilots. It was an eternal power struggle that started from the moment two genders were established. Though Shinji at the moment was in the lead. Things were soon to change.

Asuka marched over to Shinji and sat next to him. Shinji looked at Asuka smiling. “Hello. So how did your interrogation of Touji go?” Asuka banged her fists on the table.

”YOU KNEW?” Shinji sipped a can of tea.

”Yes I know all and see all.” Asuka kicked Shinji in the shin.

”You didn’t see that did you third child?” Shinji nodded.

”No and you didn’t see this either.” Shinji stood up and left. Asuka glared at Shinji hoping she would gain the ability to shoot laser eye beams through his smug backside. But it never happened.

”You win this round… Hmm his butt looks cute… No must stay in control.” Shinji turned around as he tossed his can away and smirked. “Damn… him.” Asuka imagined her anger as a ball of red glowing energy in her hand. Then she flexed her hand and crushed it. Instantly she felt some control. “I will win!”

”No you won’t.” Asuka looked at Rei who stood behind her. “I believe Shinji has become more reliable as a friend and lover.”

Asuka glared at Rei. “I hate you so much right now.” Asuka flexed both hands crushing two twin imaginary orbs of red. Smiling she got up to walk away. “But… Right now I also could care less.”

Rei twitched her lips into a smile and then went to be alone somewhere and wonder about whatever drove her to continue living.

Nerv Headquarters

Kaji a tall man with his hair tied back in a ponytail. Rubbed his chin stubble as he talked with Ritsuko. “So you hear about Misato planning on hiring a nanny of sorts for the pilots? I wonder did your proposal backfire?”

Ritsuko just stared straight ahead at her computer. She puffed on a cigarette and smiled. “Maybe. But things look promising. As long as nothing strange happens.”

”Hmm why the pessimism? Don’t you want the pilots to be able to fight the good fight as they say?” Kaji’s cool handed attitude usually pissed of Misato. Ritsuko took it in stride.

”I just look at the facts nothing more.”

Kaji smiled to himself. “Well then I cannot find any flaw with your logic. But I am however taking bets that Misato has a nervous breakdown before all this is over. If she doesn’t I clean house. If she does well let me just say I won’t be eating out or eating much for that matter for a while.”

Ritsuko held up the Japanese currency equivalent of twenty American dollars. “I believe this will be an easy bet. With her alcohol consumption and the fact that she has to also manage work related stress and home issues. She should crack like an egg in no time.”

Kaji took the money and added. “Oh by the way. She stopped drinking for the time being something about “Going dry to save lives” or something like that. Be seeing you.” Ritsuko lit another cigarette and silently cursed Kaji.

Later that day at Misato’s shared residence

Shinji sat by himself in his room staring at his ceiling. “Why must I always do what people say? I thought I was stronger than that now… But I am weak… And I am always having these inner monologues… Well no more! I have to find another way of living!”

Asuka slid Shinji’s door open and stared at him tight lipped wearing a shirt and shorts. “Shinji… I have a compromise that I think you may like. But first.” Asuka threw her clothing away and stepped in and closed the sliding door behind her. “Let’s have some fun.”

Shinji stood up slowly. Stretching he motioned for Asuka to come closer. Once she was near to him he whispered into her ear. “What is your compromise then maybe we can have fun?”

”Two can play this game.” Asuka thought grinding her body into Shinji’s. “How about we take a shower and bath together. And you can tell me who you found for Misato to interview and I can tell you who I found… Deal?”

”Fine…” Shinji said forcing a smile.

”Aww don’t sound so upset. You knew you couldn’t stay away from me forever.”
Asuka said while wrapping her arms around Shinji’s neck.

”Right nor you could stay away from me…” Shinji shook his head and pushed Asuka away. “I can’t stand this!” Asuka gagged and went from sounding sultry to pissed in ten milliseconds flat.

”Yea! I couldn’t seduce a brain dead idiot like you anyway!” Shinji agreed.

”Same here! So like should we do it standing up or on the floor?” Asuka tripped Shinji and pounced him.

”Does this answer your question?” Shinji nodded.


”Good.” Asuka paused and grumbled something then sat up. Shinji sat up also looking at her confused.

Normally a quick fucking session would commence about then but something did not feel right to Shinji or Asuka as they stared at each other. “We’re missing someone!” They both said at the same time. “REI!”

Misato called Shinji and Asuka to the living room. Entering they swarmed their guardian. “WHERE IS REI!” They said still in sync.

Misato shaking sipped a cup of coffee. “Mmm good… Oh well she is at home. Something about leaving you two alone… Oh god don’t tell me you can’t ‘take care of business without her around right?’”

”NO!” The two said. Misato frowned.

”Okay let me get this straight. You’re so uptight about things that you need Rei around? Even if she doesn’t participate? If you need an audience I can watch? I need something to take my mind off of the cold golden brown brew that makes my days worth living…”

Asuka slapped Misato. “You’re a grown up you do something to get her over here!” Misato slapped Asuka.

”Watch it! I let a few things slide around here namely that fight that happened that one time!” Shinji began to stutter and blush.

”Y-y-you saw that?” Misato picked up a tape.

”I had a nanny cam installed.” Asuka pointed a shaky accusing finger at Misato.

”YOU VOYEUR!” Misato grinned.

”Aw calm down! By the way Shinji where did you learn to fight like that?” Shinji twiddled his fingers looking as innocent as he possibly could while blushing.

”Like what?” Misato popped the tape into the VCR.

Flashback to a few weeks ago

Shinji walks into the living room to find Rei and Asuka making out. Not believing Rei and Asuka were making out and without him no less. Makes Shinji scream in rage.

Thinking out loud he declared. ”Forget the plans… Time for pain infliction!” Shinji pulled Asuka away from Rei. Rei normally mellow decided to show her disapproval of Shinji stopping her fun. She punched his lights out. Or would have if he had not caught her fist.

Rei smiled slightly before it faded replaced by her calm exterior. ”Shinji you are stronger… I respect that.” Rei’s words surprised Shinji who was still running on rage.

”Yea so I can do this!” Shinji flexed his arms and then did a pose. “Heh.” Shinji and Rei each took a step back and then began to fight. Shinji was smashed into a wall by a single punch by Rei and he ducked to avoid the fist planted into the wall where his stomach was. Shinji cupped his hands and thrust them into Rei’s chest in rapid succession. She gasped and saw stars as Shinji followed up with a punch. “Wow Kung Fu movies do teach you something!” Asuka punched Shinji in the back and kicked him in his rear.

”Yea except to watch your back worm wait! Hmm that didn’t sound right. How about I demote you to insect!” Shinji using all his strength overcame the pain in his back and threw a punch at Asuka that connected with one of her own.

”OW!” Was heard by both as Shinji and Asuka clutched their fists after shaking the pain off. Rei got up slowly and rushed Shinji. Pouncing on his back she bit his left ear. Asuka started to kick Shinji in the legs till he fell to his knees. Both girls started to stomp Shinji till he rolled away from them and got into a position to kick their feet out from under them. Standing Shinji took hold of a bat that had seemingly came from nowhere and took aim and slammed it into the ground next to Asuka’s head.

Asuka opened her eyes and relented. ”Okay I give up… Just don’t hurt me…” Shinji was surprised. Asuka whipped the bat out of Shinji’s hands and shoved the handle into his stomach. “Fooled ya didn’t I?”

Shinji fell over coughing. Rei feeling unusually maternal cradled Shinji in her arms. Shinji smiled at Rei and she smiled back. “Asuka… Let’s end this peacefully…” Shinji suggested.

Asuka glanced at the damage all around. “Fine but you get to tell Misato she got drunk and destroyed the living room!”

The present

Shinji and Asuka both hung their heads as a sober and strong Misato. Put her foot down. “Forget the nanny idea! From this moment on! No more binge drinking! After I get drunk and screw Shinji senseless!” Asuka and Shinji both exclaimed.

”WHAT!?” Asuka just fell into Shinji’s arms. The guilt and stress had gotten to her. Shinji just stared at Misato as she licked her lips.

”Misato… Why?” Misato stood up her chest nearly bursting out of her clothing.

”Well. I feel that so I have no regrets I will get piss drunk one last time. Then make love to you.” Shinji looked less than convinced.

”Um you um… Err… Did Touji and Kensuke while drunk… A real challenge would be to not do it at all!” Misato just smiled. “Oh man… Asuka wake up!”

Asuka just muttered in German. “Looks like she is out of the picture. Lucky for you I need two days to prepare… Sigh. Oh well it will be worth it trust me!” Misato winked. Shinji looked sick and Asuka just looked like a drunk Barbie doll.

School the next day

Touji and Kensuke sat with Shinji outside after school. Shinji was going over the events of the previous night.

”Wow Misato said that? Why do you have all the luck! Damn it sometimes I wish I wasn’t as cool as I am.” Touji waved to some passing girls who waved back. After word got out about him scoring with Misato a full-grown woman who worked for a secret organization. Some girls realized that Touji either was someone who knew how to please a woman. Or just lucky. Either way he was not hurting for company in the many days that followed his encounter. Shinji just held his head in his hands. Kensuke being well the stereotypical nerd. Didn’t get as lucky as Touji. He did however become famous as the guy who was the friend of Touji Suzuhara. Shinji was already considered famous in the school circles since he was doing Asuka regularly even though she denied it constantly. And Rei who just blushed when questioned.

Kensuke was looking at the videotape from the previous night on an old portable video cassette player he had gotten from an antiques shop. “Wow you got to show me that move!” He said pointing at the screen. Shinji just held his head in his hands.

”I don’t know guys… She wants me… Then I think about what she and Kaji be doing while we are home… Why the last time…”

Another flashback

The scene is Misato’s shared living space again. Evening time. The sounds of lovemaking are heard from Misato’s room. Normally a hotel would be acquired for such things seeing as there are innocent minors (yea right) in the house. But today was different.

”Oh KAJI!” Shinji sat shuddering as Misato and Kaji could not keep the noise down from her room.

”I wish they had made it to a hotel room…” Shinji shuddered each time a loud thud was heard. Asuka grinned sheepishly at Shinji as she sat drinking a soda with him in the living room with Rei. Who was reading a book.

”How about we get one for the night?” Asuka suggested. “How much did you get out of your allowance saved up after buying your batteries over the last few weeks?” Shinji stuttered.

”W-w-what? How did you know?” Asuka hit Shinji upside his head.

”Stupid! I know you have no life outside of music and me of course. Oh and Rei also.” Rei smiled slightly at Shinji making him blush. “So I figure your extra money is saved up. So cough it up!”

”But won’t the hotel manager wonder why the hell we want a room?” Asuka grinned. And soon enough they were sitting in a hotel room while Shinji blushed holding all three’s overnight bags.

”You did not have to tell him the truth! And then play a recording!” Asuka laughed playing a recording of Misato and Kaji while making love. Sitting down she turned on the television. ”Hey we got cable! Five hundred channels!” Shinji plopped down on one of the two beds in the room with Asuka. Rei laid on the other staring at the ceiling. Asuka lay with her feet popped up on the other. When she noticed Shinji had joined her she shoved him off. “Over there with wonder girl… And I do mean wonder.”

Shinji blushed at the implication. He swore he saw Rei smirk but it quickly vanished before confirmation. “So this is how the rest of my youth is going to be spent? I am so going to hell for this…” Shinji thought as he sat down with Rei.

After watching TV for a while nothing else happened except the three going to sleep. But in the middle of the night… “Shinji…” Shinji heard his name and opened his eyes to find Asuka standing over him wearing a revealing nightshirt. Her nipples poked out in the slightly chilled air of the room.

”What is wrong now?” Sitting up Shinji stepped out of the tub he slept in. Rei had stared at him till he felt so uncomfortable being near her that he slept in the bathroom.

”Your not in me that is what!” Shinji blinked and coughed as he choked on his saliva.

”What?” He said confused as Asuka glared at him with a predatory look in her eyes. She aimed to get what she wanted and Shinji knew it.

”I said your not in the closet like I said that is what! Sheesh how else am I going to use the bathroom? Your in here!”

”There isn’t anything I haven’t seen before.” Shinji said realizing his dreamy state of mind had made him think that Asuka had said something different.

”PERVERT!” Asuka slapped Shinji. He held his cheek. Not his anger. Grabbing Asuka he pushed her against the opposite wall of the bathroom right next to the toilet. Lifting up her shirt he roughly grabbed one of her breasts as he held her in place with his free hand over her mouth. Speaking in a quivering voice he declared how he felt about the whole damn mess.

”And what your doing isn’t perverted? What we all are doing? I thought it was my fault… It isn’t. We are all to blame. And damn it I swear I will not take any more of your crap!” Asuka bit Shinji’s nose then kissed him.

”Prove it!” Shinji ripped off Asuka’s panties and then dropped his shorts. He was ready and Asuka’s rough breathing let him know she was as ready as she was going to be. Gripping the red haired demon’s ass Shinji thrust up and into her once then over and over again and again. Eyes squeezed shut in pleasure. Groans of pleasure were exchanged.

Shinji roughly took Asuka while pressing her against the wall of the bathroom. Asuka’s fluid’s stained Shinji’s crotch and thighs as he grunted with exertion. Each stroke taking him closer to orgasm. Asuka gripped Shinji’s shoulders as she wrapped her legs around his waist to push against his to increase the depth of his thrusts. The two were a chorus of pleasure that was heard in the next room over. Shinji gave a quick thrust and came inside of Asuka. Asuka groaned and came also her vagina gripping the shaft inside of her almost nursing on it seeking more of Shinji’s seed. Panting Shinji felt himself still hard and started thrusting again, Asuka just sighed happily as they started their second of multiple sessions that night.

The present

Touji was sweating as Shinji finished. “After that the next morning we went home.” Touji wiped the sweat off of his forehead as Kensuke cleaned his glasses. “Well guys now you understand?”

Kensuke nodded. “You’re a lucky bastard who needs to send some Assuka my way!” Shinji punched Kensuke for his joke in the shoulder twice. Rubbing his arm left arm he continued. “I know bad joke but come off your high horse my friend. You have the sweetest set up. Of course my memories with Misato are blessed. The memories you and Asuka share are sort of well a twisted love sort of thing. It is hard to describe but I think you love each other yet hate each other enough to have sex with one another… Yea that sums it up. The stress of being pilots and your past histories have made you well snap. Luckily instead of killing each other or yourselves. You pick with one another and well fuck one another.”

Touji had taken off his jacket after Shinji’s steamy tale. “Yea man admit it you have the sweetest therapy deal ever! Sex anytime you want!” Shinji shook his head.

”No guys this isn’t what I wanted to hear. But being realistic I realize that having you two for friends shows how much I have come… From being nothing in life… As confusing this conversation was in a way. Thanks for listening and can I have that tape back?”

Kensuke adjusted his glasses once again as he slow motioned the sequence when Asuka and Shinji’s fists collided. “WOW! You can’t fake this kind of stuff! Hey can you get Rei and Asuka to have a cat fight over you?” Shinji frowned.

”Just give me the tape.”

That evening

Misato was meditating for what would probably be the most satisfying, spiritually that is, sex of her life. Rei was seated next to her meditating also. Asuka lay sprawled across the middle of the carpeted floor staring into space. Shinji was cleaning the dishes. “So…”

Misato turned and smiled at Shinji. “So what?” Shinji sat down the bowl in his hands before continuing.

”So how comes your preparations for um your life free of drinking too much and um good parenting?” Misato giggled.

”Aw you kidder. Things go well I am practicing meditation. So I can stay aware of everything while I fuck you senseless. Please understand I do this only as a means to an end… When you’re older you will understand.”

Shinji looked at Asuka who shrugged. “I don’t understand her Zen crap anymore than you do Insect.”

Shinji smiled at Rei who glanced at him smiling. “Well I will finish the dishes and then go to my room.” Misato smiled and sipped from a cup of beer. She was lowering her consumption rate. Hopefully she would not kill too many of her brain cells during her last binge.

And hopefully Kaji would not lose too much money. “I don’t want to go hungry!” Kaji thought as he sat in his office at Nerv. “I need the stamina to have sex with Misato… Oh well I can always read…”

Ritsuko smiled to herself as she walked into the room. “Aww don’t worry. I am sure I can give you a laxative. So you won’t ever think of eating again? But with things the way they are. Misato shouldn’t crack right? Oh but wait. With her giving up heavy drinking what could possibly keep her sane? Nothing I assume. Just call off the bets you made Kaji.”

”Can’t spent the money already… I have to win! I never thought things would become this low…” Kaji heard a gun click behind him.

”Oh damn I always wanted to die in my sleep…” Ritsuko held a lighter shaped like a gun with its open flame under the tip of a fresh cigarette. Taking a puff she let go of the trigger.

”Kaji… I was just lighting a cigarette. Having visions of your death once you lose your bets?”


End of act five

End notes

Okay okay. Where the hell am I going with this? I don’t know! Okay I do. I am leaving things hanging but for what? Am I following the series? Hell no. Are the characters in character? No though Misato is a purple haired bimbo in the series and I guess well I over exaggerate her part in these acts. But she is an alcoholic. Hell the second episode basically shows you how much of a drunk Misato is! I am having fun with this. And well I am trying to tie things up.

Also I did look at the request page and a story I call “Human Emulation” Should be finished soon enough. I wonder if you can guess what it is about? I also have a story request I should finish also. But I have other things to draw and write. Till next time. (Whenever that may be)

Love and Peace! – Vash Trigun another good anime. No I will not pervert it you smut addicts. Though I am appalled at the amount of yaoi I have seen based on it… Gah just ignore me heh.