Disclaimer: if you believe that I own NGE or TWHE, I've got some lovely beachfront property outside Tucson, Arizona to sell you cheap. In other words, NO, I DO NOT OWN THEM. Fucking idiots.
Warning: This is not a fic for sensitive people or younger people. It involves language, nudity, violence, innuendo, sex, mythological creatures with attitudes, and worst of all, a male character dressed in skin-tight white leather pants. Gives you nightmares, no? And another thing: if it offends you, it's done its job; if it entertains you, then it's served its purpose.
Fore word: if you can't tell what is thought, spoken words, narrative and notes, you are too stupid to be allowed to pollute the human gene pool and should do us all a favor and bite off the business end of a shotgun.
Part 1: What?! Again?!
A group of people and a Type 74 tank stood near the edge of the circle-and-pentagram seal, what Airi Komiyama and Ritsuko Inoue had decided could be rightly called a jump station rather than a casting circle as the somewhat neurotic Celsia Marie Claire, High Priestess of all Common Elves, insisted it be called. Just now, the normally blonde, pointy-eared priestess was in yet another argument with her fellow clerics and her priestess-in-training Annette about the ceremony she was about to perform. Watching them impatiently were the victims of her last attempt to cast such a major spell.
"Think our choke-artist priestess can pull it off this time?" asked a somewhat tall, muscular young man in white leathers and a black tee shirt of his two human companions. He stood, arms crossed, glowering at the spell-marked dog that was Celsia's current form, the result of a couple of bad decisions made by the High Priestess early on. He unconsciously clenched and relaxed his fists in their fingerless fighting gloves, remembering the last attempt at casting this spell and the problems he and his companions had been caused by the ditzy, psychotic elf. He turned his eyes to the woman standing next to him as she answered his question.
"I certainly hope so. I am more than ready to return to Japan. While this has been fun and all, I have a lot of offers that I need to look into and then there is the mess my agent doubtlessly has created during my absence." Answered Airi, her tone of voice souring slightly as she thought of all the roles she had doubtless missed out on because of Celsia's spell-casting errors. And I know that some of them might have given me another Oscar or two. Especially that one Bruckheimer was offering. I just know that I was perfect for the lead role in that one. To say that the actress was bitter about the last year or so would be incorrect. She had accepted their situation within days of the failure to return them to their world and had bent all her energy and skill to finding the parts of the spell that currently marked Celsia's dog form. "Of course," she continued out loud, "if she screws up again, I think I'd have to kill her." Her tone was too calm and even for her companions to think she was kidding. Her trademark cape-and-shoulder-caps outfit blew in the periodic gusts of winds in this out-of-the-way place, while her short, black hair mesmerized her male companion. Not that that was a difficult proposition or anything; he had the IQ of a brick. Well, half a brick anyway. Her other human companion joined the conversation.
"I hear that, Airi." Said Ritsuko Inoue from her perch on the turret of the tank. "I wonder if I can make up all the school I missed. I'd hate to have to repeat a year because of her." The teenager tossed her strawberry blonde pony tail off her shoulder and smoothing her blue skirt as she instinctively checked her white button-down shirt and tie that comprised her school uniform. "Come to think of it, I wonder if the girls have given me up for dead by now." She missed her friends, of course, but, following Airi's lead, had pushed that to the back of her mind while searching for spell fragments to add to Celsia's borrowed form so they could return to Japan. She was surprised to find that she was going to miss the elf world, mostly because she wouldn't be able to pack her trusty H&K USP or drive her Type 74 tank once she returned to Japan. And I'm not looking forward to class either. Hmm. Maybe if I get the chance, I can keep Mike and the USP and maybe my G36 and PSG1. Mom's not using the back yard for anything just now, and Mike could easily make a driveway into it through the wall out back. The neighbors might complain; nah, if they do, I'll shoot `em. The beautiful schoolgirl was indeed a weapons otaku. And not just a spectator otaku either; she had taken the time to learn how to use the guns and weapons she loved so much, a situation that served her and her companions well on their trip as her skills had proven invaluable. Who else could have driven a tank, shot long-range targets with the precision rifle, engaged multiple targets with a tactical rifle or used the USP service pistol but her? Certainly not Junpei, who only knew martial arts and rice. Airi claimed she didn't know how to use the heavy weapons, but Ritsuko had seen her use the tank's controls enough to doubt that she was telling the whole truth. Celsia didn't even know what a tank was, just that it was big, heavy and killed anything that Junpei couldn't beat. And as for Mike, well, there were issues with him.
"Meow?" came from the tank, the lights flashing briefly as the turret swung a little. Ritsuko patted the hard steel affectionately and the tank settled down. Odd, if this had been a year ago, a Type 74 possessed by the ghost of a dead cat would have seemed too ridiculous to even consider. Of course, that was then reflected the teenager as she soothed Mike. Stripping elves in an alien world and dealing with spells and crooked courts and ghosts and so fourth tended to jade one after a while. It would take something fairly serious to shake her now.
"Looks like it's nearly curry time." Interrupted Junpei, seeing Celsia walk into the circle and begin the incantation. The party fell silent as the jump station began to glow and Celsia transferred the spell to her book, returned to her true form of a slender, pretty elf and began the final chant. "Hey Celsia!" yelled Junpei. Airi and Ritsuko turned toward the muscle-headed idiot, identical expressions of horror on their faces. It had been Junpei's less-than-flattering comments to the two arch-bishops that had broken Celsia's concentration last time and doomed them to a year of elf stripping, and it seemed that he was about to do it again. Ritsuko's hand fell to her trusty USP and she desperately tried to draw and fire it before the elf could be distracted from her chanting. Alas, she was too late. "What the fuck did you just say?!? My dear Junpei?!?" yelled the white leather fighter. Celsia turned toward him, ignoring Annette's warning to watch her damned spell-work this time, her eyes bulging with rage and her mouth working overtime to both complete the spell and insult Junpei.
"Dear gods, please let her finish this time." Muttered Annette, hearing the incoherent mess of words Celsia was screeching. She really had come to accept the strangers, even defending them during their trial, but she wanted them gone before the idiot fighter decided to strip her and float her down a river tied to a log again. That had not been a good day; the only reason she was able to forgive them was that she had just tried to kill them all with Celsia's spell book. She could have sworn the two bishops muttered `amen' to her plea. And it seemed to work, as the three strangers and Mike the tank faded from view and the casting circle stopped glowing. Annette turned to congratulate Celsia, only to find her and the book of casting gone as well.
"Fuck me." Was the only thing she could think of to say. Behind her, the bishops had fainted.