By David 'Psaiyan' Hawthorne.
There was no room for the distractions of the flesh within the scenario, yet somehow this quiet, unassuming girl had affected him in a way that he did not believe to be possible. She had gotten under his skin, into his blood and onwards, pervading the depths of his soul. Only once in his life had he felt something which even resembled his present emotions.
One time, he had stood over her slumbering form, a pistol quivering in his grip, the barrel pointed vaguely at her face. One quick jerk of the finger and it would all be over. He could bury the body in the woods and everything would go back to how it was before; Rei Ayanami would report for duty, fully recovered from her ordeal - only Ritsuko would have to know anything. The Instrumentality of Man would continue. All would be right with the World.
It could have been over in a second, a hollow-point shattering flesh and bone, her skull blown apart like an overripe watermelon, decorating the head of the bed in shades of crimson, pink and grey. Instead, Gendo spent the rest of the night drinking whiskey until he lost control of his bladder, his trusty Desert Eagle .50 resting deep within the overgrown bramble hedge outside his study window.
Whiskey - the taste of his personal despair.
Rei had been living with him for three months, whilst the Angel War raged in the background. The situation had meant that Second Child had been transferred to Japan several weeks earlier than intended. It was a stroke of incredible luck that she had been there for the appearance of the 6th; otherwise it would all be over now.
His own recklessness caused him to grind his teeth in frustration. He was allowing his personal feelings to creep into his work, to affect the efficiency of his command. The others, Commander Fuyutsuki, Captain Katsuragi, even Dr. Akagi, had advised him to replace Rei as the pilot of Unit-00 with all haste. He had steadfastly refused, disregarding their protests, giving no reason.
With all probability, Rei would probably never be mentally fit to pilot Eva ever again, yet to admit this would remove the last justification for allowing Rei to stay in his home. Suspicions would be raised, questions would be asked...
Hearing her call his name in the heights of ecstasy had taken him completely by surprise. This person whom he had created with his own hands, the girl he had watched becoming a woman, his tool, his means to an end. Her feelings towards him were an unexpected variable. It should have made no difference to him, yet somehow he could not ignore nor forget.
He liked to watch. It was all he had...
Perhaps if he were to look, but never touch, then perhaps he would be able to build up his own internal strength, his resistance to temptation.
He stood and watched her sleeping through the crack of the door to what had once been Shinji's room. It was a warm night and Rei lay atop the bedding clad only in a loose-fitting grey T-shirt. The night air breezed through the open windows and caused the thin, lacy curtains to billow inwards. Through the bars beyond, Gendo could see the moon hanging low in the sky, seeming to be larger and yellower than usual.
He was too old for this. Too old to be allowing his dick to rule his head, too old to be lusting after teenage girls. If only he had known that Rei would grow up looking the way she did, he would have altered her genetic makeup even further.
Still, the desire, the urge, the temptation must have always been there, at least at the back of his mind in embryonic form - he had always forced Rei to have her hair cut the way he wanted it, the way he remembered it. Any other style seemed to be almost blasphemous to his most precious memories. Perhaps this is what he had secretly wanted from the very beginning. It would be so easy to fall, to choose the easy way out from his self-imposed suffering, to give in to the needs of his body...
He found himself gazing hungrily at Rei's smooth, slender legs, which seemed almost iridescent in the moonlight, the soft skin of her thighs where the shirt rode up, the gentle swell of her hips, the ripe, firm, generous breasts which nicely shaped the fabric containing them. How good would that warm, soft skin feel against his own? How good would it smell? How good would it taste? He wanted to rub his face against her luxuriant azure locks, to devour her succulent mouth with his own, to tease the sensitive skin of her neck with his teeth. He wanted to explore every inch of her perfect feminine flesh; to take pleasure in his life's work.
He slowly stroked the rising bulge of his arousal through the fabric of his uniform, whilst moistening his cracked lips with his pale tongue. He felt a throbbing pain behind his eyes, the build-up of pressure. Half of his body wanted him to run away, the other half wanted him to *do things* to Rei.
Gendo leaned panting for breath against the door; beads of sweat forming upon his forehead as he applied pressure to his temples with his thumbs. His head felt ready to explode and the urge to gnaw off his own tongue grew. He barely noticed his glasses falling to the floor.
Endure. Endure. Endure. A test of Faith.
"What do you want, Ikari?"
"I want her back."
"What do you *really* want?"
"I want her back."
"And this is happiness?"
"Yes. This *is* happiness."
"Are you sure?"
"At the end of it all, I will be happy."
"How do you know?"
"Because I will be with her again."
"What if you could be happy now?"
"What if she were already here?"
"She looks and sounds the same..."
"No, she is not."
"Does she taste the same?"
"She is like a daughter to me."
"What are your intentions towards your daughter?"
Gendo had no recollection of opening the door and entering. It was as though someone else was in control of his body. He was close enough to smell her as he stood over her, his trousers around his ankles, his shoulders quivering with tension. Rei moaned softly in her sleep and changed position, parting her legs slightly and revealing a tantalising flash of her white cotton panties.
Burning salty tears formed at the corners of his eyes as he focussed upon the vague outline of Rei's delicate labia through the fabric, blurring his vision as he roughly pounded at his erect length with his clenched fist.
In the brief moment before the feelings of sickness and revulsion overtook him as he regarded his sticky load in the palm of his hand, in the instant in which the fire still lived in his blood, he wanted nothing more than to smear his seed all over Rei's face and hair, to force her to suck his fingers and his member clean, to tear her panties, to have his way with her and take her body as his, to do unto her as the Angel had...
"I'm so fucked up." His voice was dry and cracked.
Wiping his hand on his shirt, Gendo slithered away shamefully into the darkness, returning to his inner sanctum to open a bottle and taste despair once again...
As the door clicked shut behind him, Rei Ayanami opened her eyes and listlessly regarded the spot in which the deed had taken place. She smiled a tiny, secret smile.