By Psaiyan Prince Vegeta.
Rei Ayanami's body tensed at the biting, stinging pain of the razor opening the artery at her right wrist. Normally terrified of the sight of blood, the gouts of crimson arcing three feet into the air and spattering wetly upon the tiled walls and floor of the shower room hardly even registered in her mind.
One down, one to go. Gritting her teeth against the excruciating pain, she transferred the blade to her right hand and began to carve downwards along her left arm, the embrace of the cool steel and the adrenaline rush causing her to tremble involuntarily.
Her mouth turning upwards into a wry smile, Rei watched with detached indifference, unmoving for several minutes as her vital fluid drained from her body, spurt by agonising spurt. The razor fell from her slippery fingers, clattering dully upon the ceramic floor.
She felt very cold all of a sudden, shivers wracking her naked form. Leaving a bloody handprint on the wall where she had leaned for support, she managed to get enough of a grip to turn the shower to maximum. The cascading water was scalding, but somehow this didn't seem to matter to Rei.
She was tired; so very tired. After languidly regarding the rippled, gory water circling the drain for a moment, she rested her back against the wet tiles and slid down the wall into a sitting position. The bleeding seemed to be slower now - the blood wasn't spurting out as far.
The position she was in made her dizzy, so Rei decided to rest her head upon the floor. It felt so comfortable - she could easily sleep here. Sleep seemed like a very inviting idea.
"Gendo". Rei murmured to herself. Her last thoughts before bed has always been about Commander Ikari. She even felt the familiar twinge of sexual excitement in her crotch as her eyelids became heavy and began to droop. The running water hissed in her ears like the white noise from a badly tuned radio, though it seemed to be getting quieter by the second.
Rei was happy, because Gendo would be happy without her.
Seven pints out of eight. So near and yet so far. Both forearms were cocooned in gauze, catheters inserted into the veins. Rei found herself cursing that industrious Dr. Akagi and her medical skills.
Her sedation had been deep enough to immerse her in darkness, but not to render her totally unaware. She was aware of the passage of time, insofar that it passed - there were voices too, layers of unintelligible sound, echoing inside her skull. There was a man and a woman - of that she was certain. They were talking about her too - why else would they be there? Sometimes the discussions seemed to be getting rather heated.
Images and words in her head.
Water. Moon. Things
that were somehow relevant.
The motion of fluid. Unpredictability. The savage beauty.
Her own blood. Hatred of that which was hers.
"Hatred of a portion of myself. Thus, how can I like myself?"
Pain. Loneliness. Familiarity.
"I am I."
Unhappy being I.
Gendo Ikari. Male.
Bigger than the world.
Gendo can be the world.
"My world - a world of pain."
"World of pain?"
"I am pain."
An Angel without wings.
"Is this myself, or perhaps another?"
Angel II in the world of I. Male. Bigger than Gendo.
Penis. The source of life. The penis is more powerful than the sword. The sword can destroy life. The penis can destroy the soul.
Sex. Screwing. Fucking. The power to create or destroy.
"I am broken."
"I tried to resist. But in the end he broke me. In the end I wished for it, begged for it."
"And that means?"
"I belong to him. Even though he no longer lives, my life is his."
Gendo again the only man she should belong to. This time with a beak-like skull. Eyes. Black and cold. The hope for the future.
"No hope. Holding me in his arms, stroking my hair. Familiar yet different. Is it okay if I stay here?"
Screaming. Screaming. Screaming. Screaming.
When she awoke, Commander Ikari sat beside her bed, his hands steepled before his face. The reflection of the strip lighting upon his glasses made his expression unreadable.
"Rei. As I no longer have faith in Dr. Akagi's medical care. I have decided that you will be staying with me for a while; until you get well again."
"If I am ordered to, then I will - sir". Rei was as impassive as ever on the outside. Her head lolled listlessly.
"I need you to get well."
"You importance to the fate of mankind cannot be overstated."
Behind her blank face, Rei was almost hysterical inside. The only reason he needed her because she was still useful to him! Here was the opportunity to stay with Ikari, to be close to him, to become a part of his everyday life, to be the first person that he laid eyes upon in the morning. This was what she had always wanted - her ambition in life, yet everything was bad.
She wanted to cry out at the unfairness of it all. This was not the way she wished it to happen. There was no place in her idea fantasy world for being Gendo's sympathy case, a burden upon him. She wanted the Commander to *want* her for herself, not merely for her ability to pilot Evangelion Unit-00. She wanted to play the role of his *wife*, his woman, his lover, not that of a sick little girl in need of protection, or even worse - a commodity that needed careful management.
At that moment Rei Ayanami wished that she had used a bigger razor and sliced open her own heart.
The drive in Gendo's BMW was long and uneventful. Ikari lived some distance outside Tokyo-3. The journey passed in silence. The afternoon sun shone brightly above, banishing the shadows to the places that light could not reach. Rei wore her school uniform. It was the only item of clothing she possessed.
Sat beside him in the passenger's seat, Rei could smell him. The familiar, but not unpleasant scent of tobacco smoke and sweat - he smelt manly. As a young girl, Rei had learned to associate the scent of Ikari with protection and security. She had felt safe as she walked beside him. Later she became aroused by it, wanted to be covered by it, wanted to smell like she had been fucking for hours with the man she belonged to, wanted everyone knew that she was his. Now that she could never belong, it made her feel physically sick.
As Gendo concentrated on the road ahead, Rei glanced at him in profile. Something seemed to be different about the Commander today. He looked tired, worn, old. His eyes belied an emotion that Rei could not understand. She noticed the fine lines upon his face for the first time, the tension in his jaw, the slight flicker of a pulse at his temple. It looked to her as though the weight of the world rested upon his shoulders.
In Rei's mind he had it easy. The slight flicker in her expression, the almost imperceivable narrowing of her eyes being the only indication that she still had a mind at all. Outside, the birds were singing.
To be Continued...